Breaking up a talky piece of writing

I'm going to assume the passage is written in the perspective of a character, rather than in the point of view of an omniscient narrator.

The two primary uses of dialogue are to:

1. Advance the story, often by supplementing or contrasting with what the reader knows, thereby building tension.
2. Provide occasional levity, often in the form of a quip, or radical deviation from what would be expected.

I don't find that attempts at levity often lead to excessive dialogue, so I'll focus on #1.

The perspective character's observations and thoughts should be emphasized. His speech should generally be concise, because elaboration can be provided outside of the dialogue with more color. Often the perspective character's speech reveals no new information to the reader, but conveys to the reader the extent to which the perspective character is forthcoming with the other characters. What isn't said can convey every bit as much information as what is said by the perspective character.

The speech of non-perspective characters often reveals new information to the reader. The implications of the new information can be conveyed with more elaboration in the thoughts of the perspective character.

A common pattern might be:

1. Antagonist talks.
2. Hero contemplates.
3. Hero talks, and speech contrasts with thoughts.

"I would be happy to look after your interests while you are away," offered Villain.

Heroine suppressed a mix of surprise and shame. She should have expected Villain to know of her summons to the capital. He had purchased abundant influence since assuming control of the family estate, following the convenient deaths of his two older brothers.

"I gladly accept your kind offer, though I feel unworthy of such generosity," Heroine replied. "Let us discuss the matter tonight over wine."

posted almost 6 years ago

CC BY-SA 3.0

Catuary‭

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I'll say what has been said in my own way: A long block of JUST dialogue is generally an under-imagined scene.

The dialogue takes place in a setting, with its own sights, sounds, smells and temperature and humidity and interruptions. If the characters are telling each other things they don't know; they have reactions and private thoughts. Most people are doing things as they talk (or you can make sure they are doing things).

Take a drink. Look up to think. Take a deep breath. Your MC can think of an argument, but doesn't argue it.

Anytime you see a stretch of dialogue that is not explicitly a speech to several others, it should be interspersed with actions, thoughts, conversational conflict (misunderstandings, interruptions for clarification, arguments against a claim, etc), facial expressions, etc.

Have a conversation while somebody is getting dressed, or cooking, or doing laundry. Or at work, dealing with interruptions, or constantly getting text alerts on their phone and reading them.

Dialogue IS action, but it should be fully imagined, in a setting, with emotional reactions and real life happening around them. Even minor throwaway conflicts (meaning they don't change the plot or characters, jump up when the microwave beeps to get your warmed over coffee).

Keep the reader grounded in your imagined reality, don't go a hundred words without touching something real. Don't let them disconnect and drift into a white room of just noise.

Imagine yourself trying to hold a conversation from a sensory deprivation tank, with your eyes closed, only able to hear a voice on the phone. It is an incomplete experience to just have a wall of dialogue.

posted almost 6 years ago

CC BY-SA 4.0

Amadeus‭

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