How do we properly manage transitions within a descriptive section? [closed]
Closed by System on May 22, 2019 at 13:11
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I wrote the following:
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I wrote this, but I am not sure how to improve the transition from the non-bolded part to the bolded part? Is it just a case of not telling the readers that the main character "turned his head towards her", or is there more to it?
She invited him to look out the window, which he did. He looked out of the gray window and saw a field of green vegetables under a lush blue sky. Children were playing in the hills descending and going up them as they played games. Under the mountain, a large silvery river fed plants and animals in large abundance. It was like heaven on earth. He turned his head towards her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit as she stood beside him.
I feel like even if I do that, it sounds really awkward and bad, but I can't point the finger on what's wrong with it. Is it a case where we need a different paragraph for the bolded part?
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1 answer
I think it sounds awkward too. First, I would start a new paragraph.
Second; "He turned his head toward her" is awkward; "He looked at her" is less awkward.
"made him cry a bit" sounds strange to me. I think whatever emotion he is feeling needs to be named.
"as she stood beside him" detracts from the expression of emotion because it is a neutral description of her position, and that should not be at the END of the sentence, you want your sentences to end with what was most important in the sentence. In this case, I would move that earlier in the paragraph where you are handling neutral action.
She invited him to look out the window. He stepped to her side, to see what she was seeing.
Getting rid of that, we are left with
He looked at her. Her beautiful smile made him cry a bit.
Break it up, see what pieces we need to handle:
He looked at her. Her smile was beautiful. It made him cry a bit.
There is an opportunity to connect the outside beauty to the woman. We can add a transition from "looking out the window" to "looking at her". And we can make the emotion that makes him cry more explicit.
When he broke his gaze from the window to look at her, her smile was just as beautiful as the splendor outside. Tears of elation welled in his eyes.
So something like that. I say "broke his gaze" because it implies more than looking; he was entranced by what he saw and had to break away. "Looking" or "Looked" is too flat. We connect the beauty he saw outside to the beauty he sees inside. We make the emotion explicit (Elation, or pick your own). We end the sentence with what is most important, the emotion he is feeling so strongly it warrants tearing up.
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