Does my poem convey the character of the (fictional) author well? [closed]

The core character in my current work-in-progress is an immortal goddess (of the minor kind), who goes increasingly desperate. In her desperation she's about to do something quite terrible, and the protagonist's task is to stop her. He knows her final intent, but not the motives - why she wants to do this. About the most significant thread of the story is discovery: learning about her motives, worries and desires, and acting upon them, influencing others in ways that rekindle her hope.

At one point the protagonist finds a tome of poetry written by that goddess, and by mantra "show, don't tell" I use the poems within to show her character and her worst ire: the mortals wasting their lives on what she deems follies: etiquette, lies, meddling, scheming, empty rituals of habit and tradition. Her greatest pain is the mortals pass away so fast, and then they squander the little time they have. Normally she's caring, sincere and gentle, but now she's increasingly angry, and her patience is running short.

There are some poems that are to show her gentle side, and her regret at how fleeting mortal lives are, and I'm fairly sure I got their messages clear, but this one, is to show her anger, to make the reader understand both how to talk with her (only blunt honesty; no flattery, groveling or skirting around the subject) and what kind of change in the society would make her happy (a revolution of sincerity, living lives to the fullest, awakening courageous visionaries).

Before that poem her motives seem unclear, selfish, low and unimportant, and acting upon these is a dead end. The discovery of the poems is a turning point, when the protagonist can start doing things that actually help instead of just delaying the inevitable - but will the reader understand the change?

You fool in fancy lace
Why do you wait
Why do you waste
your breath?
It's late!

Your life is dwindling by
Like candle flame
Like waning night.
Creeps death.
For fame?

You say I lack decorum?
No, you lack time!
Tomorrow
Your etiquette
will die.

In your short time, be smart
Follow your dreams
Follow the art!
Forfeit
your schemes.

You fool, don't you see?
Through being free,
Through honesty,
you live
for me.

I teach but they forget it.
They keep lyng,
They don't get it!
They strive,
dying.

You spit on my plight
That fanciful speak
It's blight!
Your hive:
They reek!

Innocent cried for loss,
Nations fell.
Fraud and gloss:
they drive
their hell.

The moon in the sky.
bears scars.
Each your lie
kills
stars.

If I find one worthy soul
If you oppose his deeds,
you worthless fool,
I'll rive
you to bits.

I choose this form - strongly fragmented phrases, the uneven lines, imprecise rhymes, weird rhyme scheme, to keep the emotions emphasized. This is not to be a piece polished to chrome shine, it's to be an angry shout-out, frustrated and desperate. I'm not sure though, if I didn't just lose the message in the mess.

EDIT: I added the stanzas in double quote. I hope the last one drives the point home. Now... are there any stanzas I should remove?

posted over 10 years ago

CC BY-SA 3.0

SF.‭

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