Post History

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/668
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I used to love running on the beach. It was best in winter, when grey skies and cold air kept the coast clear. I'd run as far as I could, marking the sand with my shoe prints before turning to follow them home.

I once raced a storm. The wind blew hard at my back, so I ran until the air seemed still and silent, chased by stacked black clouds on stick-legs of lightning. I was scared, yet I laughed with joy. The joy of being young and fleet. Of racing the wind and winning.

[Changed to first person, emphasised the race against the storm, and simplified sentence structure.]

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Original:

_I used to love running on the beach. It was best in the winter, when the grey skies and cold air kept the beaches clear. Run as far as you could, marking the perfect sand with the print of your shoes, and then turning, and following your prints home. Alone with the waves and the birds._

_I remember running, and finding myself racing a storm. The wind blew hard at my back, but I ran pace with it, so the air seemed still and silent. The world was quiet, and yet the storm was rolling in across the ocean. A violent storm, stacked black clouds walking on stick-legs of lightning. And it was frightening, and yet I laughed with the joy of it. Of being young and fleet and running to beat the wind._

Original score: 2