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You have a few problems here. One is basic command of grammar. You have run-on sentences, weird dialogue attributes, and just outright incorrect sentence structure. You need a proofreader before an...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:24Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/12492 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T03:38:43Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/12492 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
You have a few problems here. One is basic command of grammar. You have run-on sentences, weird dialogue attributes, and just outright incorrect sentence structure. You need a proofreader before anything else. The other, as the publisher pointed out, is that you go back and forth from "artificially antique and formal" (_Oh, mighty buzzard, please do not despair_) to casual and modern (_Too bad for that little squirrel, though_ and _This time, that old buzzard pulled it off._) Either you are trying to tell a modern story or you are pretending to relate an old fable. Pick one and make everything that style. Formal: "Oh mighty buzzard, please do not despair." Casual: "Hey, big guy, don't worry — I bet I know one more trick you could do." Formal: This time the great bird met with success. Casual: This time, that old buzzard pulled it off.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2014-07-28T20:12:28Z (almost 10 years ago)
Original score: 2