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Your real problem is that you have dialogue, and then the narration immediately after it tells us what the dialogue just said. Remove that bit. If we don't know that John's legs are on the table (...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:27Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/14799 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T03:57:10Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/14799 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
Your real problem is that you have dialogue, and then the narration immediately after it tells us what the dialogue just said. Remove that bit. If we don't know that John's legs are on the _table_ (as opposed to the chair, a statue, or someone's head), move that to John's action sentence. > "Please, John, do not let our urgent matters get in the way of your leisure," the older man said, his sharp voice echoing in the small chamber. John, slightly embarrassed, swung his legs off the table to the floor and sat forward. It's fine that those are both in the same paragraph. You could even put them in the same sentence: > "Please, John, do not let our urgent matters get in the way of your leisure," the older man added, and John quickly swung his legs to the floor and sat forward.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2015-01-06T11:15:09Z (almost 10 years ago)
Original score: 2