Post History

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/16275
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Having read lauren Ipsum's comments, I am hesitant to build upon a metaphor you may be abandoning, still confronting obscurity in lyrics seems worthy of some effort.

I disagree with the idea that obscurity should be welcome in lyrics. All writing, whether literary or lyrical, should strive to clearly communicate ideas. Anything short of that, sucks all meaning from our words, leaving the effort of writing them wasted.

It is hard to judge how well you convey your thoughts through a single line, but I would challenge your adherence to expansive grammar in a medium that doesn't require it. You wrote...

"I see your lips"

...where the words "I see" could easily be implied.

"and they are golden"

...again, the words "and they are" serve the laws of grammar more than they do your message.

Removing these unnecessary words, you are left with...

"Your lips, golden"

Same meaning as before, but now there is room to introduce your metaphor...

"Silent, your lips are golden"

Careful listeners should be able to sense the proverb lurking under your prose, when it is presented that way.

I know that I've messed up your original metre, dropping several syllables from the first half of the phrase. This is a prime example of why I don't write songs. Getting the words right is about the best that I can do. The rhythm always escapes me.

If in your efforts to serve the cadence of the notes, you have to surrender either clarity or perfect grammar, I would strongly suggest that you give grammar the boot and wrestle instead with your words.

The right words are infinitely superior to the almost right words. Find them!

Original score: 0