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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23287
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23287
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

In looking at your excerpts, and granting for translation, I think the problem is that you start well and then add too much. You don't have to give all the details at once. If this is a person we never see again, secondary details don't matter; if your protagonist is interacting with the character, then there's time later in the scene to add more detail.

> The stranger at the kitchen table looked up from her newspaper. She had a thin face splattered with chocolate freckles and flanked by two big round ears.

Remove "and flanked by two big round ears." You can add it a paragraph or two later, or even a scene or two later: "Her hair was drawn back, highlighting her big round ears." However, if her ears are not important later — if it's not something which distinguishes her from someone else or sound doesn't play an important part in the plot — I wouldn't describe them.

> In the door frame stood a little old man with a closed face and hair like a storm cloud.

This is perfect. Don't change it.

> When Adda stepped on the deck, she was greeted by a sailor leaning against the parapet, sipping a bowl of coffee almost as dark as his skin.

I like the comparison, but the phrasing is purple, I agree. I'd remove the drinking action: "She was greeted by a sailor leaning against the parapet. He had coffee-colored skin and a brilliant smile."

> Her long oiled hair made her look like she was coming back from a swim in the nearest canal. This impression was accentuated by the sweet and sickly smell following her.

Drop the second sentence here, and if the smell is important, add it later in the scene.

> He was a man of dignified attitude and slow gestures. His daughters and him shared the same delicate features, the same golden skin, the same brown freckles and the same thick black hair, but not the same ears. The girls had their mother’s ears.

This is almost fine. I'd end it after "thick black hair." Unless the ears are important to the plot, you don't have to describe them.

> A fever of merchants and buyers filled the market place. Here, one circular look offered the full palette of all the colours, faces and hair métissage \* could create.

This is fine; I like this image.

Generally, dial back by about a third, and you should be okay.

Original score: 5