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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23329
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23329
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Don't name him in his own thoughts. (I'm going to add names here for ease of discussion.)

You have:

> vengeance was his, Garth of the Bill clan. He was the Foremost of the Forsworn

But he's not actually Garth of the Bill clan. That's what he wants his enemy Dave to think. He's actually Wayne of the Ted clan. While Garth and Wayne are both Dave's enemies, Dave _thinks_ it's Garth after him (because Wayne has framed him). Wayne wants to get rid of Dave _and_ Garth, and he's doing it by setting Dave and Garth against each other.

So you use generic terms, and reference what _Dave_ is thinking:

> but finally, vengeance was his. He moved forward. The last thing Dave would see was Garth looming over him with the axe, ready to split his skull. And Debbie would run shrieking to the elders of the Carlin tribe that the Bill clan had begun their long-heralded attack at last.
> 
> Revenge would be cool and sweet, like fresh juice at the end of a long day's stalk. The man [_or_ the hunter, the warrior, etc.] slipped forward through the long grass, barely parting the stalks.

The "revenge" is not just against Dave, but against Garth, because Dave's people, the Carlin tribe, will be going after Garth's people, the Bill clan. Neither will suspect Wayne. You can reveal that later. And you always refer to the antagonist in this scene with generic terms: the man, the hunter, etc.

Original score: 5