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You're 95% of the way there; you have good instincts for what's readable. • For your first example, I'd try to put as much of the logistics of translation into narration as I could manage. After ...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:37Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23466 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T05:21:35Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/23466 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
You're 95% of the way there; you have good instincts for what's readable. • For your first example, I'd try to put as much of the logistics of translation into narration as I could manage. After a bit, the reader will understand that Sally is acting as the intermediate. > "I feel like I've seen you before," said Shintaro. > > "What did he say?" asked Bob. Sally translated. Bob rested his chin on his hand. "Well, I did go on that trip to Tokyo last year." > > "I was living in Tokyo last year," Shintaro said after she explained. "Maybe that's when I saw you." > > "Where was he in Tokyo?" Bob asked Sally. Shintaro hedged, but eventually told Sally the name of the neighborhood. > > "But I had a good reason for being there." > > "Of course you did," Bob agreed. • Your second example is perfect. Sally is established as translator, but you don't need to have tons of repeated dialogue. • For your third example, use the first version, where you actually use the Japanese because you want the reader to understand that Bob is speaking a new language. What the words _mean_ isn't the point of that passage; it's that he's learning the Japanese words.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2016-06-20T18:56:06Z (over 8 years ago)
Original score: 7