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Orson Scott Card gives a great example of 4 drafts for the opening of Ender's Shadow, explaining as he goes why each draft isn't what he wants. Sounds like exactly what you're looking for - you can...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-12T20:05:54Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1557 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T01:11:07Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1557 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
Orson Scott Card gives a great example of 4 drafts for the opening of _Ender's Shadow_, explaining as he goes why each draft isn't what he wants. Sounds like exactly what you're looking for - you can [read it here.](http://hatrack.com/writingclass/lessons/1998-10-29.shtml) Another excellent resource is Janet Reid's [Query Shark](http://queryshark.blogspot.com/). It's a huge trove of critiqued revisions - not of fiction, but of queries to an agent, describing the book. That might not be exactly what you're looking for, but she gives advice and individual critiques on revising sales pitches - which include a fair share of flavor text - for hundreds of queries. If it's revision you'd like to learn, that would be an excellent place to start.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2011-02-10T18:46:05Z (over 13 years ago)
Original score: 3