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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39431
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39431
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I don't think you're going to like hearing this, but part of the problem with your writing is bad grammar. Now, English isn't your first language, and you're 12. It's perfectly OK for you to make mistakes. But the thing is, simple sentence structures are more forgiving. When you use more complex sentence structures, _and_ there are issues with your grammar, it makes things harder to follow. For example,

> I peered through the window with slick navy blue curtains, swinging to and fro to the movement of the minibus, blocking my view to some extent.

The subject of the first part of your sentence is "I" - "I peered". We expect this to continue being the subject of the sentence, but it is the curtains of course which are "swinging to and fro". The sentence should have been

> I peered through the window with slick navy blue curtains, **which where** swinging to and fro to the movement of the minibus, partially blocking my view.

(I'm sorry, I don't know _why_ "to some extent" sounds unnatural to me in this context. Perhaps somebody else can explain.)

Complex sentences and many descriptions are OK, as far as writing styles go. They create a tone that's slow and measured, more befitting a polite 19th century breakfast than a tense combat scene, but there's nothing wrong with that. But if you're going to demand extra work on the readers' part by giving them complex structures, you've got to give them good grammar and natural word choice. Otherwise, your writing really does become hard to follow.

You learn good grammar and good word choice through reading and through writing, getting comments on your writing, rinse and repeat. You're actually doing quite well. But as long as you're still struggling with the basics, breaking up the sentences, using simpler grammar, would make it easier for your text to be understood.

Original score: 1