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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/1593
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

all. Please forgive me, for I'm afraid I'm a novice when it comes to writing fiction. I wanted to get the community's thoughts and recommendations for improving the below passage. I realize it needs tons of work and I'm looking for suggestions on how to:

1. Improve the flow,
2. Refine the style,
3. Identify any inconsistencies in the story,
4. Increase the reader's level of interest/anticipation, and
5. Improve the passage in any other way that the community may deem important.

With that said, please critique the passage below and I'll be happy to return the favor. Don't be gentle; I can take it. :)

> “You understand it’s nothing personal,” the man half-asked, half-asserted as he turned and exited Mr. Jansen’s study. An empty silence hung in the air as Mr. Jansen lowered his gaze to the pistol on his desk below. He sighed and scooped up his Beretta .45 and swiftly walked out of his study, locking the door behind him. As he pulled out of the driveway in his red Ferrari F430, only one thing was on his mind: get the hell out of here while he still retained an ounce of his sanity.
> 
> Across the street, Mrs. Jansen watched through the bedroom window as her husband left. It had been only a year since their daughter had tragically disappeared. The Jansens hadn’t been the same since, but her husband Robert had been having an especially hard time. As Vanessa Jansen lowered her head in tacit exasperation, her lover took her in his arms and assured her that everything was going to be okay.

* * *

Original score: 8