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Q&A What revisions for this draft would be more readable and/or more humorous?

Because I find your dialogue interesting as it is, I tried to approach it from the other end and create something different. It's a fun exercise :) I started my thought process on an idea to diffe...

posted 13y ago by Michał Moroz‭  ·  last activity 4y ago by System‭

Answer
#3: Attribution notice added by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-08T01:15:58Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1711
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision by user avatar Michał Moroz‭ · 2019-12-08T01:15:58Z (over 4 years ago)
Because I find your dialogue interesting as it is, I tried to approach it from the other end and create something different. It's a fun exercise :)

I started my thought process on an idea to differentiate the characters - both of them are killers but the similarities should stop here. After a few minutes of YouTube research I depicted my impressions on the two actors.

Ben Foster's character would more of a maniacal/psycho, a person who rushes without thinking, ruthless and with eccentric, maybe a little crazy, ideas. This would contrast well with odd-calculating, experienced Jason Statham. Ben's carefree attitude would also throw Jason off at times.

Back to the dialogue. With these in mind, I wrote this concept:

- BF: Blow his heart with adrenaline. 12cc and he's pretty much dead right on the spot.
- JS: Listen. I won't go inside with a probability of leaving him alive. It's not in my style.
- BF: But right after the EMTs have arrived, they find your heart going to break[1]. What's the first thing they do?
- JS: An epinephrine injection.
- BS: So basically, even if this syringe fails to kill him...
- JS: They will finish the job.

[1] this one is a bit screwed. I haven't found anything better with simple, yet strong meaning.

#1: Imported from external source by user avatar System‭ · 2011-02-22T05:36:54Z (about 13 years ago)
Original score: 1