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two thoughts: 1) You don't need the while X then Y structure to convey parallel events. Just list them one after another. It's implied that they're simultaneous. 2) Separate your X and Y (the chi...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:43Z (about 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/26958 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T06:10:58Z (about 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/26958 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
two thoughts: 1) You don't need the _while X then Y_ structure to convey parallel events. Just list them one after another. It's implied that they're simultaneous. 2) Separate your X and Y (the child's birth/crumbling/reassembly and the clouds). The stream of consciousness is a lot to track, the magical realism is a lot to process, and there are a lot of images to hold in your mind from one end of the sentence to the other. This should be at minimum two sentences: the first is from _inside_ to _ribcage,_ and the second is about the clouds. It's quite lovely and I think you conveyed nuance well. But even the stream of consciousness can overflow its banks if you try to stuff too much into a sentence.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2017-02-28T14:02:30Z (almost 8 years ago)
Original score: 3