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I'll go out on a limb here and argue the second example is objectively better. The problem with the first is that it changes perspectives in the same paragraph. The first sentence is something th...
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#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T06:29:38Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/28165 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
by
T.E.D.
·
2019-12-08T06:29:38Z (almost 5 years ago)
I'll go out on a limb here and argue the second example is **objectively** better. The problem with the first is that it changes perspectives in the same paragraph. The first sentence is something that only an outside observer could notice, while the second is completely first-person. As a reader trying to get into your head, I feel like I'm being jerked around. You could salvage the first by rephrasing it to something your first-person observer might notice. For example: > _I felt my head shake in disbelief._ Could someone I barely knew know so much about me? This could probably be cleaned up more, but the idea is there. This version reports only things your first-person observer would have noticed.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2017-05-19T14:39:30Z (over 7 years ago)
Original score: 1