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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/30127
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/30127
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I think you are being **_too_** visual and too step-by-step; hoping to create an image / screenplay in the reader's head. But even in the movies, every second of film counts: This scene would be three lines in a movie and about two seconds each.

_The ALARM; Gabrielle wakes up; grimaces, closes her eyes. Beat. She opens them and vaults out of bed."_

_CUT TO: She opens the door [dressed for winter and work]. Exhaling with a sigh of frozen breath she surveys the ice on the steps, and pulls her coat closer._

_CUT TO: Gabrielle enters the building, removing her coat. The receptionist looks up, friendly and expectant._

_DIALOGUE_

* * *

Call these WAKING, STEPS, ENTRANCE: Even this would be too much if the cold (or Gabrielle's irritation with it) has no effect on the story. ENTRANCE could be removed: After STEPS, Gabrielle is just IN her new office and somebody walks in. The STEPS could be removed: A 2-second WAKING followed by Gabrielle IN-OFFICE and somebody walks in. ALL OF IT can be removed:

_GABRIELLE: "That sounds perfect." / BOSS: "Excellent, see you tomorrow. Seven sharp." / GABRIELLE smiles and nods, hiding giddiness._ / FADE OUT, FADE IN. / _GABRIELLE is seated in her new office, an over-sized digital clock on her cubicle wall reads 7:02. BOSS walks in, irritated. "Shit, seven oh two. Sorry I'm late, it was unavoidable. Let's get started."_

Of course in a novel this can be a little bit longer. Gabrielle might be thinking that ugly clock is the first thing to go, and then after her boss leaves, regard that clock with a silent exhale and whisper, _I guess we're getting married, clock._

Every element you write should serve a purpose that matters _later_ in the story. I added a hint of the Boss's obsessive punctuality; I can use that to pressure Gabrielle (or him) into something later. Or at least it is a character quirk I can use repeatedly to make him unique in the reader's mind.

[As Mark noted] you are including details that do not **_matter_** to the story. To get out of your formula; I suggest a different formulaic approach that won't be evident on the page. Prioritize!

At every scene closure, go through all your characters in the story. What is each one of them going to do next? What is the next decision for them, or the next event that happens to them? Is it time for them to accomplish something, or to fail at something? What do they feel? What do they want?

Go through all of them. Then pick which is most immediate, which is most important, which one takes another little step that changes something in the reader's mind. That is your next scene. In the story, time may have passed, so after that scene do it again.

In the hijack of your story above (without much knowledge!) I decided the next important thing after Gabrielle **_gets_** the job is discovering her new boss is sincerely irritated with _himself_ for being two minutes late, which has some obvious future implications for her and the job she needs.

If I wanted this to actually be a problem for her; I can go back to earlier scenes and show Gabrielle being casually late, oversleeping, losing track of time, etc. Because then those details would not be banal or meaningless. They are character development that really matters to the plot.

I sometimes use the same priority device for conversations; especially in a group. In my notes, _everybody_ has something to say or ask, and I figure out what it is: The person(s) that speak next are the ones with the most _important_ thing to offer or ask.

I sometimes use the same priority device for describing settings: What is the most important thing about this environment? In Gabrielle's office, the over-sized clock. Not her chair, the lighting, or the hook where she hung her coat. In some other story, it might be a high-capacity shredder in every office, or cameras focused on a screen bolted into position, or two separate phones on a small desk.

Some settings just don't matter: a cubicle is a cubicle, any effect it has on the story line is just because cubicles provide very little privacy (or some are larger than others, or more conveniently located, or higher-ranked, etc, then elements that _matter_ get described).

Other elements can matter, too. Atmosphere can set reader expectations; details can matter without the reader realizing they matter. Settings can reflect emotions, too: Confessing your love on the banks of a crystal river on a clear autumn day is different than confessing your love in a gritty city alleyway, or confessing your love in a spotlessly sterile hospital waiting room.

So when I say things must _matter_ I mean they must have an effect on the plot, on a character's decisions, or on the reader, even if that effect is not consciously recognized by the reader.

One such thing (the reader may not notice) is character details that keep bit part characters from becoming too anonymous. They may not have an effect on the plot, but serve to keep sketched characters distinct in the reader's mind.

Original score: 0