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Q&A How to improve this introductory paragraph (to fit writing standards and grab the reader's attention)?

Use four a.m. (or just four as it becomes clear the scene is at night). (Also, most clocks don't strike differently for a.m. versus p.m.) A young mental health professional -- Toss it and introduc...

posted 13y ago by Cliff Hangerson Page‭  ·  last activity 5y ago by System‭

Answer
#3: Attribution notice added by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-08T01:21:35Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1990
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision by user avatar Cliff Hangerson Page‭ · 2019-12-08T01:21:35Z (almost 5 years ago)
Use _four a.m._ (or just _four_ as it becomes clear the scene is at night). (Also, most clocks don't strike differently for a.m. versus p.m.)

_A young mental health professional_ -- Toss it and introduce him by name, instead. The next sentence implies his profession, and we get he's young from _teenage look_.

Simplify:

> Dark, silent and deserted, it looks like a morgue.

You don't need to say _alone_, since you've already told us there is nobody else.

What is a _sharp and intellectual look_, especially in the eyes of someone who is getting drunk in the darkness? And it's not a qualification.

_He is sitting in the middle of the clinic's cafeteria_ -- You said "He is sitting" earlier, so just drop this sentence and combine with the earlier one to establish the setting.

Hope this helps.

#1: Imported from external source by user avatar System‭ · 2011-03-14T19:37:18Z (over 13 years ago)
Original score: 1