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Use four a.m. (or just four as it becomes clear the scene is at night). (Also, most clocks don't strike differently for a.m. versus p.m.) A young mental health professional -- Toss it and introduc...
Answer
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T01:21:35Z (about 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/1990 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
by
Cliff Hangerson Page
·
2019-12-08T01:21:35Z (about 5 years ago)
Use _four a.m._ (or just _four_ as it becomes clear the scene is at night). (Also, most clocks don't strike differently for a.m. versus p.m.) _A young mental health professional_ -- Toss it and introduce him by name, instead. The next sentence implies his profession, and we get he's young from _teenage look_. Simplify: > Dark, silent and deserted, it looks like a morgue. You don't need to say _alone_, since you've already told us there is nobody else. What is a _sharp and intellectual look_, especially in the eyes of someone who is getting drunk in the darkness? And it's not a qualification. _He is sitting in the middle of the clinic's cafeteria_ -- You said "He is sitting" earlier, so just drop this sentence and combine with the earlier one to establish the setting. Hope this helps.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2011-03-14T19:37:18Z (almost 14 years ago)
Original score: 1