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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/31249
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/31249
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

If I am not addressing your question about repetitiveness, clarify it and I will edit.

I do see a few problems with your prose. In no particular order:

1) I don't understand the value of "urged". The speech doesn't sound like urging, it sounds like agreement, and speaks for itself. Just 'said' would suffice.

The part following should be in past tense, like the rest: 'as she took ... and moved aside ...'. For myself, I'd break the sentence to say 'She'd almost forgotten there was...', but that sentence is not clear. It sounds like he thinks he is there for one reason and she has an ulterior reason; in which case I would likely write it more explicitly, like 'She'd almost forgotten the ruse that brought him here.'

Also, "he glanced," not glancing. I think you are trying to 'tack on' actions to dialogue or other actions, when another sentence would be fine, or a recast sentence would be fine. _"As he entered, he glanced around the room, as if finding his bearings."_

2) Thoughtfully: If the POV is hers, what makes her think his glances are thoughtful, rather than say, suspicious or cautious or gaining his orientation in a new room?

3) 'circled the room'. This is generally used in a literal sense, physically walking around the room. Which cannot be done in 'a few moments'. Maybe he looked about the room, or scanned the room, or surveyed it, or found his bearings.

4) 'Barely': Why would somebody inspecting your apartment or property "ease your nerves" even the slightest bit? Inspection implies judgment and few people become more at ease being judged.

5) 'Suddenly': This implies an unexpected action; but surely she was waiting for him to say _something_.

Use alternatives to "he said" and "she said" very sparingly. It is fine to add characterizations of vocal intonation separately. _"Oh, of course!" she said, her jangled nerves apparent in her voice._

For readers "he said" and "she said" are nigh on invisible, other single word attributions [urged, whined, whispered, cried, exclaimed, etc] are harder to process, and separate descriptions actually flow better. If you need one of those words, it may be more clear to put it up front. _Kristen whispered so only Jack could hear her. "Try that again and I'll break your finger."_

You **_should_** be breaking up dialogue with action or thoughts or setting exposition (description of the environment). You could have put your 'canvas and chairs' in such an exposition while the guy surveys the room, or in HER thoughts about what HE might be seeing, or thinking.

In this case, I might write (depending on your POV restrictions):

> He entered and took a few steps into the room, looking about to gain his bearings. As he did, she put the snacks on the table against the wall, locked the door, and turned to approach the closest of the two chairs she had set, on opposite sides of the canvas in the middle of the floor. His inspection did not ease her nervousness.
> 
> He turned to ask, "Where should I sit?"
> 
> The question surprised her.
> 
> _In the most obvious possible place?_ she thought.
> 
> Instead she said, "Just here, please," gesturing to the chair opposite her own.

Don't be in a rush to finish the scene "efficiently". In fiction people are reading for entertainment, they are almost never in a rush to have their entertainment over as soon as possible. So while we don't want to be **repetitive** in our descriptions, and do not want to describe what is irrelevant to the story (it might be irrelevant to describe the snacks, chairs, or previous history of the canvas as a painting tarp, or how well this guy is dressed, or his apparently self-taught haircut), it is okay to spend as many words as you like on what **should** be described in the scene.

You want economy in writing only in the sense that you need to pick a handful (around three) elements to describe, but there is no need to mince words too severely in those descriptions.

Where I think you have gone a little awry is that you have stumbled into an "efficient" method that doesn't use many words or sentences. Then a reluctance to use **_more_** words, sentences and paragraphs leaves you with a monotone style. Which becomes tiresome.

Original score: 3