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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/32567
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/32567
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I think you are still TELLING and not showing. I think you must have intended a paragraph break before "Jack talks too much," if that is supposed to be a thought of the narrator. With that assumption, thinking "Jack talks too much" is not showing us the _consequences_ or _ramifications_ in the narrator when somebody talks too much.

What are those ramifications? What is the feeling? What does this make the narrator want to do? What urge does he resist while he waits for Jack to get to the god damn point?

You have told us what the narrator thinks, but not shown us anything, you are going to 'cheat' and rely upon our imagination of what the narrator feels. You want us to fill in those blanks, when it is your job as the author to **guide** our imagination, not hope we figure it out, or hope we will have exactly the same feelings as you do that give rise to that thought. Because we won't, I would not mind at all if Jack starts his conversation with me that way, so I don't **_automatically_** relate to this thought of the narrator that "Jack talks too much". The metaphor following that is not bad, but if you are going to write first person, **lead with feelings** that give rise to thoughts. THEN you will find that sometimes the feeling is all you needed, it was sufficient to convey the irritation or resignation or impatience or whatever it is the narrator is feeling.

Original score: 3