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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/33215
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/33215
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I would just format what you did a bit differently, you can get the tempo you want in the reading by just adding more words. Don't be afraid of that, beginning writers often confuse "getting it out fast" with a sparsity of words. This is a mistake!

Clarity of the image is much more important and readers do not mind a lot of words. They are not reading to get through your story quickly, this is not a **job** to them, it should be an **entertainment** and one in which they lose track of the time. An author can spend an entire page describing what happened in a few seconds.

For action scenes, I do not want to be too flowery or descriptive; my theory is that "high concept" metaphors and similes do slow the pace more than I'd like. So I stick to the facts, but do not skimp so much on the words, or try to cram it all into one line.

**High information density reduces comprehension.** Which is saying, if you try to cram too much information into the sentence, the reader doesn't get most of it and doesn't realize they aren't getting most of it, or if they do, they lose their reverie of reading the story and have to stop and pay attention to the mechanics of parsing your sentence to understand what you said. As authors we don't want that kind of break to **_ever_** happen!

Take it easy on them. Here is my first draft of such a scene, though I'd probably go through it three or four more times (days apart), but not to get it shorter, to ensure the image is clear.

> "I," she said, then punched the bag with her right hand.  
> "Really," she struck it with her left.  
> "Don't," another hard right.  
> "Care." She struck it three times: left and right, quickly, then a tiny pause and a much harder right, to punctuate the sentiment, that moved the bag enough to put a slight sway in it.  
> She dropped her hands, with an audible exhalation, and turned to Mark. "Now go home."

The punctuated sentence she speaks is the first word of each line, followed by a moment of action. To me this keeps it clear and understandable. The description is kept short to not break that line, although it makes no difference on the final word, once her sentence is over, and the longer description signals to the reader that is the case.

Original score: 6