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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/35357
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/35357
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

One thing you want to consider is how you want the scene to read:

- Do you want the scene to have sexual overtones?
- Do you want the girl to appear weak, a passive sheep, (making the reader identify, at least partially, with the hunter-vampire), or do you want her an active heroine fighting off a monster, or something else? Or something else entirely?
- Do you want the vampire to be attractive in any way, to the girl or to the reader? Do you want him to have any redeeming qualities?
- Who is the girl? What is her background? What kind of person is she? What's her response to the existence of vampires? What's her response to being attacked?
- Does the vampire actively violently try to pull her into a room, or is he somehow persuading her to come with him - some predatory conversation that would make the reader fear for the girl?

You can use the setting to convey the mood: barred windows suggest being trapped, distant sound of whatever suggests there's no help close by, etc. You wouldn't be describing everything in the room, so focus on things that would set the atmosphere you're looking for, and use the language that would enhance that atmosphere. Any metaphors you use, if you use them, should also work with the setting. If you want the scene to be scary, anything red, for instance, should be the colour of blood rather than the colour of ripe strawberries. (Blood is actually rather overdone, but you see what I'm getting at with this example.)

Original score: 5