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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2533
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2533
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

1. too much dialogue.
2. too much information about what you want the reader to guess (that is, the suspenseful bit).
3. not _enough_ information about the_characters_ to care.

The point of suspense is to leave the reader wondering _what else is going on? what's going to happen next?_ This is talky without making us interested. We should get enough information to wonder, but _not_ enough information to figure it out.

It should read more like:

* * *

The man came in, looking worried and a bit windblown. He glanced around the bar, wiping the palm of one hand repeatedly on his jacket.

After a long moment, he approached the bartender.

"What can I get you?"

"Nothing, thanks. Listen — you haven't seen this girl, have you?" The man pulled a tattered photograph out of his pocket. She was young, dark-haired, pretty. Wide expressive eyes and a broad, inviting smile. From the clothes and hair, it might have been ten years ago.

"No, sorry. I'm actually kind of new here," the bartender apologized.

"But you haven't seen her? You're sure?" the man persisted.

The bartender gestured to the room. There was one guy at the far end of the bar watching a hockey game on the TV, and two men at a table in the corner having lunch. Other than that, the room was empty. "We don't get a lot of people here. I'd've seen her if she came in."

The man fidgeted. The bartender picked up a glass and began to polish it.

"Is she lost?" the bartender finally asked.

"I don't know," the man admitted. "She won't answer my calls."

"Sounds like she wants _you_ to get lost, buddy," the bartender said, not unkindly.

The man shook his head. "We were supposed to meet here a few days ago and she didn't show. She doesn't answer her door either."

The bartender pointed to the shiny black phone on the bar next to the register. "So call the police."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

The man didn't answer. The bartender went back to polishing glasses while the man stared out the window.

Abruptly the phone rang, shatteringly loud in the quiet bar.

* * *

"Worried and a bit windblown": why is he worried? was he running? running from someone?

"wiping his palm": wiping off sweat? nervous?

"tattered photograph, ten years old": He's held on to this for a LONG time. It's a last memento, it's the only link he has to this woman.

"pretty, inviting": she's inviting us from the photograph.

"persisted": the guy REALLY wants to find her.

"fidgeted": nervous. maybe hiding something.

"finally": the bartender has to draw him out. He has to pull the information out of the man. that heightens tension.

"admitted": He didn't want to have to say that he didn't know. he's hoping she's okay, but she might not be.

"she doesn't answer her door": a hint that in fact there IS something bad going on. most people would be willing to let a call go to voicemail, but people rarely flat-out refuse to answer the door if they're home.

"I can't call the police": Now that's _very_ interesting. Why not?

"shatteringly": to emphasize how tense the man is.

Original score: 17