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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2540
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2540
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Suspense is all about **_anticipation_**.

What you've done very nicely is set up an immediate problem, probably a threat - the missing girl. You've also established a mystery - the guy's past and present relationship with the girl. The reader can anticipate both of these being developed and, eventually, resolved. So that's a good start.

But suspense can get you a lot farther than that. Consider - after reading the dialogue, does the reader know what to expect from the next page? If he does not, I'd argue that he's not in a lot of suspense - he can't anticipate what will happen over the next few pages, so obviously he can't look forward to whatever is happening.

I'd further say that you _don't_ provide the reader anything to anticipate immediately. We don't know what the guy's going to try next (asking more people, I guess). We don't know what the next step with the girl will be, because we know nothing about what's going on with her. We don't know why the ringing phone should interest us. The reader is likely to trust the author long enough to find out the answers to those questions, but _right now_, he's not anticipating anything in particular - just trusting the author that, whatever winds up happening, it'll be interesting. That doesn't mean the piece isn't good, but it's not very suspenseful.

So what would add suspense would be making clear to the reader what he can anticipate, what he should be looking forward to. Here's some examples of details you could add in that I think would provide readers with the sense of immediate anticipation that you're looking for:

- The worst thing the guy thinks might have befallen the girl is...
- If he doesn't find anything out here, the guy will have to try...
- If he doesn't find the girl soon, that'll be bad for the guy because...
- If the girl got in trouble with anybody, the guy thinks it was most likely with...
- The guy does/doesn't think it likely the girl deliberately stood him up to hurt him, because...
- The thing that worries the guy most about asking questions in this bar right now is...

Notice how all of these set up possibilities for the next scene, or that might affect the next scene, or some scene very soon. If the worst thing that could have happened is the girl being stalked by her _other_ ex-boyfriend, then the next scene might be a confrontation with him. If the guy's tense because there's some danger to him in being in the bar and asking his questions, the next scene could see that danger come to fruition. That's the feeling you want to be encouraging, if suspense is what you're after: that the reader _knows_ what's going to happen next, is looking forward to it, is dreading it. They just don't know how it'll turn out.

The other major way to increase suspense is to focus on the hooks you've already got, and get the reader invested in them. You can do this by increasing their investment in the characters - if the reader cares about a character, then any threat to that character creates suspense - and, if this is the tone you want to take, by ramping up the possible threat to the girl (from "I can't reach the girl I haven't been in touch with for years" to "a girl I've got a complicated relationship with is in clear and present danger.")

Hope this is helpful :)

Original score: 7