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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/38289
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/38289
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Try writing simply, and ignoring time.

You are using too many intensifiers, and hyperbolic ones:

- **quick** glance
- **pure** disappointment
- **instantly** look
- anger **exploded**
- **At least** have
- he **froze**
- **as little**  **_as possible_**
- he **always** have to

You don't trust your reader to read the scene and follow it, you feel like you need to hit them with a hammer to understand "disappointment" by making it absolute, pure, and the worst look of disappointment Bob has ever seen in his life! Well, we don't know what "_pure_ disappointment" looks like, really. How does it differ from anger or sadness? Is she crying?

Why does Oscar's anger have to "explode"?

Also, I think you are too focused on describing the movie, and not the experience of being Bob. You say he wonders why he always puts himself in difficult situations, but asking this question doesn't seem appropriate to the moment. It is also too general, it doesn't inform the reader of anything.

Why DID he? What was he thinking would happen? What was his motivation for making whatever mess he made? How did it go wrong? Give me some information about Bob's internal state, so I understand how he was stupid, or not so stupid but unlucky, or whatever.

The scene attempts to be dramatic but contains no good conflict. You have room for it; you are inside Bob's head, but he is taking a beating without even thinking of fight back. This leaves the scene flat; you need conflict, even if the conflict is internal to Bob and he dare not speak it. In his head he should fight back against Oscar, think of what he wishes he could tell Alice but cannot because Oscar is there.

Also, ignore time. If sentence A is followed by sentence B, then without any other explanation, the reader assumes an action in sentence B is executed after the action in sentence B. And the same for every other sentence, unless you begin a sentence with "He had earlier done XYZ", we presume sentences are presented in chronological order.

Concision: In a short sentence, "He did X, then Y" can save a word over "He did X. He did Y." Also, "He did X, Y, Z and A" is more concise than the alternatives. However, if a sentence runs on for clause after clause, the length can feel too long to the reader. Sentences should END before they reach paragraph length. Don't sacrifice readability for concision, it makes no difference if you were concise but confusing.

Finally, stop putting a space before your punctuation. That is just wrong.

Original score: 7