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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/38469
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/38469
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I suspect you don't have tension; in the sense that the readers are not wondering "what happens next?"

Your character may be cold and scared and (loves being alone? That kind of doesn't fit here), and maybe he needs to get to the stream, but he's not doing anything but plodding to the stream, and that is boring.

If that is all it is, then skip six hours, and he finally reached the stream.

An analogy for this is a sex scene: IRL sex is exciting throughout, but narrated, it is repetitive as hell, and quickly boring, because there are only so many different ways to describe sensations without getting absolutely comical. So yes, walking on the shattered ankle is excruciating. Agonizing. That's it, don't go through the whole thesaurus coming up with ways to say the same thing again and again and again. Skip time to the interesting part.

He **_sees_** the stream! Seeing it, tears come to his eyes, he's almost done.

He **\*reaches** the stream, and falls to the ground and pulls himself forward to take a drink. His leg is throbbing, but he shouts in victory.

As for thoughts: I use italicized thoughts all the time; I keep them to the nature of actual thoughts (mine at least), a few words at most.

> "The guy with the hat, who was that?"
> 
> _Alvin. Can't tell him that._
> 
> "I don't remember. You mean Richard?"

Other longer thoughts, I narrate in prose, 3rd person limited.

> Barry was thinking, if they took the second train, they'd still make it to Rochester with time to spare, but he'd get ninety minutes alone with Sharon, and that might be enough. He just needed a good excuse for Charlie.

Narrating a long continuing state is boring, you need to find the "turning points," what the reader _knows_ will happen next. Think of it as a series of "mindsets" for the hero. Describe the mindset, jump time, describe the new mindset or decision or feeling, jump time, describe the next mindset.

I've described twenty-four straight hours of hard labor in a paragraph, because the mindset didn't change. Then my character was so tired they couldn't go on, and that was a new mindset.

Original score: 1