How to write female characters as a male writer?
Yesterday I asked a question about writing a female character who has agency. Much to my surprise, it was well-received and generated a lot of great discussion. In reading that discussion, however, I realized that I asked the wrong question, at least for what I'm trying to understand.
As a somewhat introspective male, I have a reasonably easy time writing from the perspective of a male character. Internal monologue, or at least describing his perspective, comes easy for me. From experience, I know how men (at least one of us) think. However, I observe that women think about things differently than men do. So what tips do you have for writing the interior monologue of a self-possessed woman?
Here's an example of a section I'm concerned about (apologies for the length posted). The character, Celeste, is from an upper-class twenty-third century family who, because of their wealth, was able to afford genetic alterations to give them long life (which will become an issue in the fourteenth century setting where she suddenly finds herself). She is joined in accidental time travel by Marko, similarly long-lived, whom she has only known a handful of months, though they were at the time of the time-travel incident, falling in love.
She found a shop that served wine and settled into a seat near a glassless window with the shutters open to let in the breeze. She realized that she hadn’t seen a glass window anywhere in the city, and thought to look up when glass was invented. Of course, without access to the Cloud, she couldn’t look anything up. She wished her slate, apparently dead of any functionality and stowed in Marko’s pack, was fully connected and working so she could research all the things she wanted to know about this place and these people. Hopefully, she thought, by tomorrow it wouldn’t be a factor any longer, and this would all just be a well-remembered adventure that she and Marko could tell their children.
She stopped herself. Their children. Somehow she had concluded that, even after this adventure was over, she and Marko would be together. She gave that some thought. In recent years, she had told herself that she wouldn’t have children until after age fifty, with a better target being age seventy. That would give her enough time to see the world, establish a career and retire from it, and then settle in to raising one or two children. Her parents would be gone by then, but her mother didn’t seem to have much interest in the idea of grandchildren. It seemed that losing their son in the war, then eventually having Celeste, made them happy for what they had and not wistful for something else. Celeste thought of her mother and her reaction to her daughter having gone missing. She pushed that thought out of her mind, determined to return before her mother experienced too much grief. She thought instead of the idea of being with Marko for fifty years or more. As Petra had pointed out, he was handsome enough. He was tall, but not too tall, with broad, strong shoulders and arms, green eyes similar to hers, and long curls that almost touched his shoulders. And he was smart, though not in all things. He was reserved, and while he was easy to talk to, wasn’t loud or brash. He didn’t seem to swear often, which she thought of as a failure of imagination and proper use of language. But most importantly he seemed to love her, which was key to finding a long-term contract partner.
I wouldn't write a male character who thought that much about his feelings for someone (indeed, elsewhere Marko simply recognizes that he loves Celeste and doesn't really question why; it's enough for him that his love exists, though he could point to reasons for it if pressed). But I only suspect a woman would think this way, or, rather, that this description rings true for a way a woman might think.
Any feedback is appreciated.
Update: This makes me more than a bit nervous, but I've decided to include a link to my working document on Google Docs with comments enabled for anyone that wants to read what I've done so far. My goal is to get the base story laid down in the first draft (the main events, etc.), then go back and re-write for things that I'm asking about here. If you choose to comment, please make them constructive. Thank you to anyone who chooses to do so.
The passage puts cart before horse. She fantasizes about having babies, and then gets around to trying to justify the ma …
6y ago
As writers we create characters and a tale would seem odd if all characters were of the same gender. Others have said it …
6y ago
Your worry is that Celeste expresses more feelings about their relationship's implications than Marko does, which could …
6y ago
I'm going to agree with Galastel (write a person), and wetcircuit (Celeste sounds shallow). For the latter, when I think …
6y ago
Women, like men, are quite diverse. Some are more introspective, some are less. Some think about their feelings, and why …
6y ago
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Your worry is that Celeste expresses more feelings about their relationship's implications than Marko does, which could play into a "women have more feelings" stereotype. I assume Celeste is the protagonist, which to an extent gives us greater licence to get in her head than his, but your concern is still sensible. I think part of the solution is that there's a lot of telling rather than showing in your excerpt, which apart from its usual downsides makes the feelings seem heavier. It pays to aim for concision. You could go for something like this:
She stopped herself. Their children. She'd thought to wait till seventy for that. Mum seemed happy enough with the child she hadn't lost. Best bring her back, then. But Marko for fifty years? Not too tall, eyes like hers, and long curls almost touching strong shoulders. Quiet but easy to talk to, with enough vocab not to swear. But most importantly, he seemed to love her.
You mention also that Marko does have these feelings, but doesn't mention them due to a lack of pressing. I assume that's not so much conveyed in your current draft as part of your "iceberg". So add incidents where he gets pressed! For example, if she has a quirk he finds delightful, he can stand up to someone who critiques it (or at least mention he disagrees, possibly before the relationship has even fleshed out). Again, try to convey the feelings (in his actions), instead of spelling them out.
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The passage puts cart before horse. She fantasizes about having babies, and then gets around to trying to justify the man who is going to give her the babies, yet she doesn't sound like there is any sexual attraction to him. He just has some superficial traits (green eyes, curly hair) which presumably she would like her babies to have too. Then he is described in words that make him sound like an escort who won't embarrass her at a social event, and is the right height for when she wears her favorite pair of heels.
This woman is the opposite of "self-possessed". She doesn't center her desires at all, instead she is weirdly detached, and passively thinking of others.
If this was the only thing I knew about this character, I'd call her a Pondering Uterus. Her desire is to have babies. 2 other characters exist: one to give her the babies, and another Pondering Uterus who already had babies but also only thinks about babies. I don't learn anything else about this woman.
There is also a strange disconnect that she is there in the world but instead of experiencing the adventure first hand or talking with the people around her, she wonders about "looking it up" on a tablet while sitting in a quiet wineshop like a tourist in a cafe, yet you say she has been here for months. Is she an accidental traveler? It sounds like she'd be happier staying home having babies, and experiencing the world only secondhand through other people's accounts related through a tablet.
Being a woman in a medieval era, she would be forced to spend time around other women who would be very aware that most women die in childbirth, and half of all children die before the age of 5. From her 24th Century perspective, motherhood would be a sure and quick path to disease and death. Grimy babies would be nursing and pooping themselves, and crawling on the dirt floor among the bugs and chickens. There is no soap, medicine, or hygiene of any kind. Maybe she has gone to an idealized medieval world, but why would she be planning a family in such a hostile environment? It would be just as bizarre as being stranded on Mars or trapped in sunken submarine, and her thoughts wander to the topic of planning her family. A man could also be having these bizarre baby fantasies and they would seem just as out-of-place.
But it's all ok because he seems to love her. (steps away from keyboard to scream)
I have to wonder, do you honestly believe this passage is in-character for a "self possessed" person of any gender? I don't see it.
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As writers we create characters and a tale would seem odd if all characters were of the same gender. Others have said it before, but know who your character is and that gender is a characteristic but need not be a defining one.
I have characters of both genders and before I write them in, I ask myself who this person is. What are their likes? Dislikes? Dreams? Fears?
Your Celeste is who she is, none other. She thinks how she thinks and can be surprised to find herself attracted to this man she barely knows. The idea of the story told to their children is also something that one holds onto to aid them in acquiring the future they desire. A story to tell the kids is one way of saying of course I will return to my time.
One character I have has such a great dichotomy between his personal and professional life that he has come to think of them in entirely different ways and almost becomes a different person depending on what he is considering. That works for him, but has others wondering if he might not have suffered a psychotic break.
You might have her conclude that her current feelings are influenced by the simple fact that he is the only one from her time and therefore the only one most likely to understand her. Upon their return, she could realize that the nice fellow who runs the lab has more interests in common and is more interested in her opinions than Marko might be. She could return to her plan A of postponing family and such until her professional life is secure and her life has taken her where she hopes.
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Women, like men, are quite diverse. Some are more introspective, some are less. Some think about their feelings, and why they feel a certain way, others are more concerned with their career and how to solve that problem in the lab. Don't think of writing a woman - think of writing a person. Find out who that person is, how they think, what concerns them, then write that.
Some elements are going to be different between men and women, in part because of cultural pressure, in part because of biology. Let's talk biology first.
If I want children, theoretically, ever, as a woman I know I have this ticking clock, because as I grow older, the chance of chromosome disorders increases. I also have to plan, financially and otherwise, for nine months of pregnancy, which hopefully will go with no complications, followed by maternity leave, breastfeeding and whatnot. It's a concern that's different from the concern of a man who wants children, theoretically, ever. (I might also not want children - that's my prerogative. Nothing about being a woman says I've absolutely got to have babies.)
Culturally, I might have been conditioned to think myself "unworthy" of certain positions, "unable to attain" something, "incapable of understanding", "undeserving", etc. But that's a state of mind you also encounter in lower-class communities. It has nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with the opportunities society gives or denies a particular group. @Amadeus recently mentioned that women are interrupted more - that's one way society teaches women that their opinion matters less. (Of course, while some women might absorb this idea, others might rebel. Both options are however different from not being faced with the notion in the first place.)
In your setting, you talk of complete equality, so the second concern no longer exists, and your excerpt shows the first concern doesn't exist either. With that in mind, all the more reason for you to go to my first point - people are people, regardless of anatomy. (Those concerns would, however, be relevant to secondary characters you write - those who live in a more gendered society.)
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I'm going to agree with Galastel (write a person), and wetcircuit (Celeste sounds shallow). For the latter, when I think about my lover, I never take an inventory of their physical attributes. I have images in my mind that do not get articulated, if I was describing her feelings of Marko I would, instead of listing attributes that could be on a robot, say something like "Imagining him, she felt a compelling attraction, a desire to be beside him."
Obsession and a desire for simple non-sexual physical closeness, wanting to BE with their lover, is part of the nature of new love, for both men and women; and what Marko looks like doesn't matter in that equation, people fall in love with others of all sorts of appearances. Neither does the gender of the person; women in love have the same obsession, closeness and sexual desires, tunnel vision, hyper-sensitivity to relationship threats (e.g. a minor disagreement feels life-threatening), and flaw blindness that men experience. If the relationship survives this enamoration stage, it generally becomes a co-dependency.
Also, "most importantly he seemed to love her"? That is strangely analytical and computationally selective and self-centered. Is Celeste a psychopath?
The most important thing is that SHE is in love with HIM and cannot imagine her future without him in it; that she feels she will forever regret it if she DOESN'T make an effort to marry him and have a family together. And thinking upon that in this 14th century of short lives, she realizes that the sooner they do that, the better. (And given her long life, she can do her career after her kids are grown adults; I doubt the 23rd century society would make a huge distinction between a 20 yo and a 35 yo when people are having babies and raising them at age 70).
Note the same thought process could be felt by Marko; the most important thing for him is that HE is in love with HER and cannot imagine his future without her in it; and he feels he will forever regret it if he doesn't make an effort to marry her and have a family with her.
Females do not have to contemplate their feelings or motivations any more than a male does. IRL modern society, men still bear most of the burden of pursuing women and proving themselves worthy mates, while women still have the privilege of being selective of their suitors. That is a psychological evolutionary quirk rooted in disparate biology; namely that men are more expendable than women when it comes to reproduction: The next generation can be fathered by just a few men, so men lost in battle or dangerous labor are not missed, but every womb lost is a person not born. Thus men fight wars, men take risks hunting, or fighting for the right to lead, etc. (Roy Baumeister is an academic that has published a book on this topic, Is There Anything Good About Men?).
That said, in your post-woke society, that dynamic of social interaction should be toned down considerably. I think you don't know how Marko thinks, because you aren't from his time and aren't putting yourself in his shoes. Marko and Celeste should not be thinking like a "man" and a "woman", the only thing that differs between them is their sexual orientation; and that is all about feelings of attraction. He is physically attracted to and excited by females that look like her, and she is physically attracted to and excited by males that look like him. He is romantically attracted to women with her intelligence, humor and attitude, she the same for him. But these should be portrayed AS feelings.
She realized that she hadn’t seen a glass window anywhere
I'd recast this in feelings too. Of course her slate doesn't work, she knows the cloud is hardware, radio receivers, etc. the word apparently is jarring.
She realized she hadn't seen a glass window anywhere.
"When was glass invented?" she whispered, almost silently. God she missed the cloud, the instant answers, the AI that always knew what you wanted and why you asked. It felt like she'd lost a chunk of her brain, the number of times she had to suppress the urge to ask the Cloud for a fact, a direction, a probability, from trivial to major. She bet Marko felt the same, [Now her thoughts turn to Marko].
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