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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39378
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39378
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The problem I see with your writing, the answer to your question, is that **you need to immerse yourself in your character's emotion**. Put yourself in that emotional experience, in that moment. What do you feel? Your thoughts? Your responses? Your associations? Your visceral desires?

To use your example, having just time-travelled, Celeste is supposed to be confused, with a beginning of fear, right? Imagine yourself confused and scared. Would you, _in that moment_, wish to tease your companion about their age? Or would you want to grab their hand for support? Would you be all analytical about where you saw proof that the person next to you is good at problem solving, or would it just be a fact to you? At most, I think, you might remember a previous frightening episode the person got you out of - not strategy games.

Your character's internal monologue, her thoughts, are calm and analytical where we'd expect her to experience some emotion. Which makes a reader wonder if she is capable of experiencing emotions. You haven't gone deep enough into how she feels, and so you've created a disconnect between what we'd expect Celeste to feel, and what she displays.

I've actually struggled with a similar problem. I had this argument between a father and son written out. The comment of the first friend who read it was "yeh, that's how the father wishes the argument would have gone. Only he was angry, and afraid for his son, and a bunch of other emotions besides, so he ended up saying something completely different. And the boy was equally emotional about the whole thing, so his response wasn't what he would have liked it to be either. Now go and write not what they wished they had said, but what they actually said." After which I went and rewrote the scene with more visceral emotions and responses in it, and what do you know - it came alive.

To sum up, every time your character is supposed to experience an emotion, let them feel it. Not think "I'm afraid", but _be_ afraid. Act afraid. Respond to being afraid. If you're still struggling, try to evoke the emotion within yourself. Feel that fear, not in your mind, but viscerally, and observe yourself in that state.

Original score: 13