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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39520
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39520
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

My impression is that you've got so much going on in so few words, that you never really allow the reader to settle down and experience a scene, understand what's going on, go through your character's thoughts and feelings. Every one of the events you describe should have some sort of buildup, and some sort of resolution. What you have instead, as I understand it is "she's going to have an argument with her boss. BAM! She's unconscious and taken to a hospital. BAM! Boss is with her in the hospital and asks her out. BAM! Car accident."

Let's develop this further:

- Your MC - who is she? What kind of person is she? Where does she work? What kind of position does she hold? How proficient is she? Does she generally like her work? Does she get along with her co-workers? How does she get along with her boss? How does she feel about him? That argument - is it about something he has done? Something he has not done? Something he's been doing or not doing continuously? How does she feel about having an argument with her boss - fearful for her position? Burning with justified rage and ready to climb barricades? Sad that she must disagree with a good man? What kind of man is the boss anyway?
- The collapse: what causes the MC to lose consciousness? Is she ill? Not feeling well that day? Gave blood that morning? Are there any warning signs, (that maybe she ignores,) or does she just collapse?
- Hospital: MC's emotions upon waking up there? Diagnosis? Tests? How does she feel about her boss being there? How does she feel about him being the one who's there? Why is he the one who's there? Why not family or a friend?
- Restaurant: so have they resolved the issue they've been supposed to argue about before? How does she feel about sitting in his car?

Do you really resolve all this ebb and flow of things in just 3000 words? Events that are emotionally complex - you must linger on them, enough for the reader to understand them. If readers are saying that things are escalating too fast, it must be that you're not leaving time for processing. They've just started to understand what's going on in one scene, and you're already in the next one. No buildup, no resolution.

If you'd like to do things differently but are constrained by wordcount, why not find another place to publish - a place where you can do your story justice?

Original score: 18