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Q&A How can I indicate that a particular relationship between two male characters is purely brotherly (Philia) rather than romantic (Eros)?

I don't know if this helps, but I think war movies do this very well. The Deer Hunter, Saving Private Ryan, some movies involving gangs, or cops on a mission. The series Vikings has elements of thi...

posted 6y ago by Amadeus‭  ·  last activity 5y ago by System‭

Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-19T22:13:35Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39674
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-08T10:01:49Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39674
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision by (deleted user) · 2019-12-08T10:01:49Z (almost 5 years ago)
I don't know if this helps, but I think war movies do this very well. The Deer Hunter, Saving Private Ryan, some movies involving gangs, or cops on a mission. The series Vikings has elements of this brotherly love too. Many police movies and series show the same thing amongst fellow cops without making it sexual; on NCIS we don't think the main character Jethro Gibbs is in romantic love with any of the several men he has had close relationships with, or even lived with. But he is stoic, doesn't like to talk, and all these men have been in the trenches with him, in either war or police work. When they hang out, they do male things, eat steak and watch football (a metaphor for war).

I'm analyzing off the top of my head, so your own interpretation is as valid as mine, but I think the lethal consequences of conflict can plausibly offset any Eros in the relationship and the risks taken together or for each other prove the "love" aspect you are looking for.

Any form of tenderness (holding hands, kissing, banging it out) is just not in the cards in such situations; and the male characters never have any "tender moments" with each other, they aren't gazing into each other's eyes. Typically when relating any emotional back story, men are not looking at each other, and if one gets emotional the other responds more stoically, and briefly without elaboration. "That sucks, dude." That's it.

The love between them is seldom stated, it is proven by heroic action when the other is in trouble. From memory, I believe they most commonly refer to each other as brothers, not friends, to emphasize the greater commitment. It's a handy tool, because it also reduces any expectation of homosexuality and most people are more ready to accept brothers (or a father and son if the age difference is great enough) can have a deeper non-sexual relationship. You can see this in the film Four Brothers, with Mark Wahlberg: four men (two black, two white), all adopted by the same woman, come together for her funeral ... and to kill the man that murdered her. A war movie of sorts, but you never feel like these men were ever lovers. For one they are all too callous (playing against common gay stereotypes) and secondly the story gives us a very good reason for them to love each other, they grew up together in a rough neighborhood and despite their lethal toughness, they all loved the same kind mother.

IN general I'd say you need a good reason for this philial friendship to exist, and to be plausible, it likely needs to involve mutual protection and co-dependence in response to a dangerous environment. Either one in the past which they both survived, or one in the present where they need each other to survive.

Also, "dangerous" could be metaphorical; entailing political or financial or social survival. In the original premise of "Suits", the friendship of Mike and Harvey is philial, but they share a lie that can cost them a fortune and their careers. (The risk taken by Harvey in not exposing Mike's lie proves his philial love for Mike.)

* * *

Added in response to comment: It was mentioned my examples were older. We can scale the dynamic to any age, even boys. Male philial friends are at their best, for some reason, when they are doing **projects** together, be it kids building a fort in the woods from scrap lumber, or adults investigating a crime.

In Stephen King's _The Body_, the boys set out "on a quest" to find the body of a missing boy (and do). Very little of the story is about the body, it is about the conversation they have on the way, and actually finding the body is relatively straightforward. But King puts them together through this device of giving them a _project_ that binds them together for a time, with a goal to accomplish.

Projects play against friends being together for any romantic reason, and if your characters are in high school or college or young adults, there is no shortage of projects the guys could work on together. It lets them spend time together, getting something accomplished together, having fun and joking around and being together, demonstrating their complementary skills and shared interests, while doing something not remotely romantic or sexual. Of course you still want some conflict in these interactions, but it doesn't always have to be between the characters, it can be problems moving their project forward, or the friends dealing with somebody else on their project (eg if they were helping out a charity) or opposing their project (eg if they were working on a political campaign, or a business idea with competition).

#1: Imported from external source by user avatar System‭ · 2018-10-26T11:48:57Z (about 6 years ago)
Original score: 13