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Noticing it is the first step. Your line: “I- I thought I was being polite,” he mumbled. is enough. You don't need to say the prince looked abashed. You are already conveying his uncertainty and...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-20T00:40:31Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39743 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T10:03:08Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/39743 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
Noticing it is the first step. Your line: “I- I thought I was being polite,” he mumbled. is enough. You don't need to say the prince looked abashed. You are already conveying his uncertainty and concern over having done the wrong thing. He's stuttering a bit and mumbling. So leave out the abashed bit. The "Prince looked confused" line is okay (or replace it with the prince saying "What?"). I'm more concerned with "the captain continued to explain." Just have him explain some more. So you end up with: “I- I thought I was being polite,” the prince mumbled. “You were. You chose your words and your compliments well. I looked at you, and I saw a prince, heir of [divine ancestor]. What I did not see is you.” [Prince's Name] looked confused. "[More explanation.]"
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2018-10-31T04:48:34Z (over 5 years ago)
Original score: 19