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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/40982
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I have a character Joe who leads the task force hunting my MC. His reputation is known to the MC and he is well aware of how effective he is. Joe is also a good friend of another character, Fred, and it is decided to try and tranquilize him, instead of kill him, out of respect both to his skills and for the mutual friend, Fred.

In this scene, I had Joe lead his men into the community hall and be shot by a well-prepared sniper from a catwalk, who darts him. Joe essentially steps across the threshold, gets shot, looks at the dart, looks up at the catwalk and points, losing consciousness. Temporarily sidelined.

Joe is later referred to by his lieutenant, Sam, and becomes an incentive for the members of the task force who have captured the MC to consider a trade. Sam comes to wonder what color his hat is when they came to eliminate him and were met by non-lethal force.

Joe is taken hostage, becoming a bargaining chip. In my original version, the first full scene with this character is a proof-of-life Skype chat where he is delighted the plan worked and livid that his men might throw it all away just to save him. They would have to start over, chasing him again. They have him and now they are thinking of a trade? Preposterous.

I can give Joe a bit more time before he is darted and temporarily sidelined.

Both are clear, but I feel the original has more tension and is more intriguing.

Would giving this character more screen time increase tension or reduce it?

Original score: 2