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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2945
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/2945
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Don't worry about "it's been done before." Your goal is to do it your way, and never mind what anyone else has done.

Your theme (Lack of purpose =\> Apathy =\> Failure to adapt =\> Vicious cycle) is interesting, but I'm having some trouble connecting it to your précis. How does "too much freedom" equate to "lack of purpose"? I think linking it to "Amusing Ourselves to Death" is closer to the mark — "too much entertainment with nothing to strive for," like the Buy 'N' Large folks from WALL•E (taken seriously rather than for laughs).

I don't think having too much entertainment would cause the protagonist to lose his mind. Lose his will, perhaps. What I would focus on is the spot between three and four: why does everyone in the society have no ambition, no competitiveness, no ability to come up with their own life's purpose? Why is "life purpose" an outside force imposed on the individual, which when missing is not replaced by an inner drive?

You also call it a "newfound apathy," but if everyone in the society is choked with ennui, then it's not "newfound," it's the way things are. You're not describing people who used to have a purpose and now don't; you're talking about an entire culture of slackers. That's not a vicious cycle.

I think your story has potential; I'm just picking some nits which I think need work. :)

Original score: 10