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I think you can achieve a lot by just replacing the “was” sentence by making it an attribute in the following sentence, and making use of terms like “the first”, “the former” and “the other”. T...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T09:04:47Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/41562 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T10:40:44Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/41562 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
I think you can achieve a lot by just replacing the “was” sentence by making it an attribute in the following sentence, and making use of terms like “the first”, “the former” and “the other”. > The overwhelmingly tall figure stood in the corner of the room. The skinny figure right beside him sat on a chair. It wasn't moving at all. The first figure moved to the opposite side of the room and started palpating the wall as if it was looking for something. The other one then started crawling and palpating the floor as if it were looking something. The former then started laughing loudly and clapping his hands as if it were overjoyed. The skinny figure hearing this started doing the same. Note that I refrained from making any other changes to the text, so the impact of my suggestion can be seen in isolation.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-01-24T08:51:56Z (almost 6 years ago)
Original score: 11