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Got to be honest with you. I hate it. It is choppy. Disjointed. fragmented. Unless you are describing a first person reaction scene where the hero was just hit by the blast wave of a mortar...
Answer
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T11:48:00Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/44892 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
by
ashleylee
·
2019-12-08T11:48:00Z (almost 5 years ago)
Got to be honest with you. I hate it. It is choppy. Disjointed. fragmented. Unless you are describing a first person reaction scene where the hero was just hit by the blast wave of a mortar shell....... even then you shouldn't sustain it for more than half a page. from your normal voice post, it is very obvious that you can do much better than that faux artistic style in the writing sample. As to how you might improve it... Stop trying to be whatever it is you are trying to be.. Be yourself. Don't force this phony (gritty.. video game) style on yourself... Write ... and let your style develop organically.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-05-01T14:10:19Z (over 5 years ago)
Original score: 0