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Q&A How to write a vulnerable moment without it seeming cliche or mushy?

There is a trick for this in The Emotional Craft of Fiction. It's called 'me centered narration.' Essentially, you have the character express at length in narrative (protest too much) what she w...

posted 5y ago by DPT‭  ·  last activity 5y ago by System‭

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#3: Attribution notice added by user avatar System‭ · 2019-12-08T12:01:51Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/45553
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision by user avatar DPT‭ · 2019-12-08T12:01:51Z (almost 5 years ago)
There is a trick for this in _The Emotional Craft of Fiction._

It's called ' **me centered narration**.'

Essentially, you have the character express at length in narrative (protest too much) what she _wants_ everyone to think about her, in this case the opposite attribute of what she is actually feeling.

> He came into my room and I quickly wiped my eyes, before he could see my tears. I refused to show any vulnerability, I was nothing like the girls in town, who constantly needed help for the least little thing. That wasn't me.
> 
> "What's wrong" he asked gently.
> 
> "Nothing." I busied myself about the room, not looking at him, afraid that doing so would lead me to another melt down. Where had that come from? I wasn't a frail little girl who needed saving. I'd saved myself long ago--knew plenty well how to stay ahead of trouble.
> 
> ...etc...
> 
> "All right," he said at last, "I'm glad you're okay."
> 
> He made to leave, and I said, "No, wait."

Of course if you did something like this it'd be in your style, which this isn't. I think what it might do for your case is to keep the screaming hordes from saying your girl character is acting out of character. Instead, the scene serves to deepen her character and show that she has inner conflict.

#1: Imported from external source by user avatar System‭ · 2019-05-29T19:02:51Z (over 5 years ago)
Original score: 20