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You can't drift off into the distance when you leave a room. Unless it's a really big room. You can drift out of a room, but you disappear rather suddenly, when the line of sight through the do...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-20T00:40:46Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/45949 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T12:10:49Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/45949 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
You can't drift off into the distance when you leave a room. Unless it's a _really_ big room. [](https://i.stack.imgur.com/pSGHw.jpg) You can drift out of a room, but you disappear rather suddenly, when the line of sight through the doorway is broken. Clouds don't disappear suddenly, unless they go behind buildings or mountains. Your English is fine here. The sentences make grammatical sense. But the logical sense is slightly off. Use a metaphor to create an image or emotion in the reader's head. If your reader has to stop and think about what you mean, you're dead in the water. The lines you cite are okay. But what's the idea you're creating? Is it about a slow leave-taking? Or the gradualness of the departure? Or are you trying to evoke a beautiful perfect day? Maybe the idea is that the departure is natural and no cause for stress or alarm? Get at the core of what you're trying to convey and play around with different ways to describe it. With or without a metaphor. If you're not sure what you're trying to say, the reader won't be either.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-06-13T02:56:57Z (over 5 years ago)
Original score: 7