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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/3454
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/3454
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

There are two hooks here I find compelling:

- The first two lines give this great, "Why, of course we remember every toy you've ever played with, Sir" vibe - it's like a toy store crossed with Wodehouse's Jeeves. That's both unusual and kinda creepy. The concept of a huge organization cataloging everybody's childhood in minute detail is bizarre and fantastical, and has this great "formality/whimsey" tension I really like.
- The paragraph ends with a very odd boast - for some reason, it's important that all the receptionists introduce themselves as "Charles King." That's just weird, and obviously has a story behind it. My immediate thoughts are that this might be some kind of publicity thing, based on some kind of personality-based promotion - or, if this is in a science-fiction context, that there's some kind of cloning or personality duplication going on. All of these interest me.

So that's a great start :) But the middle hits what I'd consider a false note - the "consumer psychologists" lines. My instinct is that this mars the fantastical image I had from the first two lines - it seems to reduce a delightful impossibility to mere contemporary market research. The "gift size fix" and "razzler dazzler" phrases also don't fit with the proper, dignified facade I was imagining (perhaps entirely erroneously, of course).

I'd definitely read further, because this opening has at least the potential to lead to some things I'd consider a lot of fun. But the points I'd mentioned would have me worried I might be disappointed. At the very least, I'd read long enough to understand which of my interpretations are correct. I might read the whole thing even if they aren't, but I'd feel disappointed.

Best of luck :)

Original score: 7