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The name of the toy store would keep me reading for a bit longer. I had trouble with the "ever" in the first line. The last toy I ever bought as a child, for myself? The last toy I ever bought as ...
Answer
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T01:47:34Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/4874 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
by
Elizabeth
·
2019-12-08T01:47:34Z (almost 5 years ago)
The name of the toy store would keep me reading for a bit longer. I had trouble with the "ever" in the first line. The last toy I ever bought as a child, for myself? The last toy I ever bought as an adult, because I didn't know any children to buy toys for? This line: _If you’re in a “gift sized fix” and in need of the latest razzler dazzler—-you call us._ seems unnecessary, and I agree with Standback that it doesn't quite fit the tone.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2012-01-24T14:50:07Z (almost 13 years ago)
Original score: 3