Post History
Original text of question: I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody, considering ethical, health, and ecological reasons. First and foremost, it ...
Answer
#6: Post edited
by
Amadeus
·
2020-02-12T12:06:15Z (almost 5 years ago)
Did not make sense without the original text.
- Eliminate superfluous words; you are saying things with too many words. To demonstrate such a transformation, I will take your first line through stages:
- > I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe diets like vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe everybody should pursue diets like vegetarianism,
- What is pursuing a diet like vegetarianism? It is just being a vegetarian!
- > I strongly believe everybody should be a vegetarian,
Eight words versus fifteen words, and it conveys the same sentiment. Take one more out with a minor reprhasing and a better word (embrace, or adopt).- > I strongly believe everybody should embrace vegetarianism,
- And there you go. less than half your original words.
- Identify what is important: "I strongly believe", "everybody", "should become (or something indicating a transformation) "vegetarian(ism)".
- "That" is almost always cuttable.
- Simple phrases are better than verbose: "such type of dieting as vegetarianism" is just "diets like vegetarianism". The only diets _like_ vegetarianism are more strict than vegetarianism (like Veganism), so if you are trying to make a point, just say your least restrictive diet that accomplishes your goal: Instead of "diets like vegetarianism" say "vegetarian diets" or "Vegan diets".
- Later you say "Last but not least," you could say "Finally,".
- You say "a correctly balanced vegetarian diet", the word "correctly" adds nothing at all, if it isn't "correctly" balanced, then it isn't balanced! If you say "a balanced diet", readers will assume there is a correct way to balance a diet, and also that not all vegetarian diets **are** balanced.
- What does "has long been considered [to be] of high nutritional value" mean? It means "is known to be nutritious". Doesn't "for both children and adults" mean "for children and adults"?
- You have a lot of words that are adding no meaning. Presumably you are doing this for emphasis, but it does the opposite of what you want it to do; it draws out the sentence so it reduces the impact. Get rid of them, rephrase if necessary, and you can probably cut this down to 50 or 60 words, leaving you more room to make another point in your argument. Or to then add adjectives or emphasis where you most want it.
- Original text of question: *I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody, considering ethical, health, and ecological reasons. First and foremost, it is absurd that animals have to experience so much torturing suffering in order to satisfy humans' unnecessary whims. Then, specific importance should be given to the fact that animal breeding provokes landscape degradation and other issues of high concern. Last but not least, a correctly balanced vegetarian diet has long been considered of high nutritional value for both children and adults. Yet, before ruthlessly devouring the flesh of somewhen living souls, we should ourselves imagine being farm animals treated with conceited cruelty.*
- Eliminate superfluous words; you are saying things with too many words. To demonstrate such a transformation, I will take your first line through stages:
- > I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe diets like vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe everybody should pursue diets like vegetarianism,
- What is pursuing a diet like vegetarianism? It is just being a vegetarian!
- > I strongly believe everybody should be a vegetarian,
- Eight words versus fifteen words, and it conveys the same sentiment. Take one more out with a minor rephrasing and a better word (embrace, or adopt).
- > I strongly believe everybody should embrace vegetarianism,
- And there you go. less than half your original words.
- Identify what is important: "I strongly believe", "everybody", "should become (or something indicating a transformation) "vegetarian(ism)".
- "That" is almost always cuttable.
- Simple phrases are better than verbose: "such type of dieting as vegetarianism" is just "diets like vegetarianism". The only diets _like_ vegetarianism are more strict than vegetarianism (like Veganism), so if you are trying to make a point, just say your least restrictive diet that accomplishes your goal: Instead of "diets like vegetarianism" say "vegetarian diets" or "Vegan diets".
- Later you say "Last but not least," you could say "Finally,".
- You say "a correctly balanced vegetarian diet", the word "correctly" adds nothing at all, if it isn't "correctly" balanced, then it isn't balanced! If you say "a balanced diet", readers will assume there is a correct way to balance a diet, and also that not all vegetarian diets **are** balanced.
- What does "has long been considered [to be] of high nutritional value" mean? It means "is known to be nutritious". Doesn't "for both children and adults" mean "for children and adults"?
- You have a lot of words that are adding no meaning. Presumably you are doing this for emphasis, but it does the opposite of what you want it to do; it draws out the sentence so it reduces the impact. Get rid of them, rephrase if necessary, and you can probably cut this down to 50 or 60 words, leaving you more room to make another point in your argument. Or to then add adjectives or emphasis where you most want it.
#5: Post edited
by
Amadeus
·
2020-02-12T11:59:01Z (almost 5 years ago)
Eliminate superfluous words; you are saying things with too many words. To demonstrate such a transformation, I will take your first line through stages:> I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,>> I strongly believe diets like vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,>> I strongly believe everybody should pursue diets like vegetarianism,What is pursuing a diet like vegetarianism? It is just being a vegetarian!> I strongly believe everybody should be a vegetarian,Eight words versus fifteen words, and it conveys the same sentiment. Take one more out with a minor reprhasing and a better word (embrace, or adopt).> I strongly believe everybody should embrace vegetarianism,And there you go. less than half your original words.Identify what is important: "I strongly believe", "everybody", "should become (or something indicating a transformation) "vegetarian(ism)"."That" is almost always cuttable.Simple phrases are better than verbose: "such type of dieting as vegetarianism" is just "diets like vegetarianism". The only diets _like_ vegetarianism are more strict than vegetarianism (like Veganism), so if you are trying to make a point, just say your least restrictive diet that accomplishes your goal: Instead of "diets like vegetarianism" say "vegetarian diets" or "Vegan diets".Later you say "Last but not least," you could say "Finally,".You say "a correctly balanced vegetarian diet", the word "correctly" adds nothing at all, if it isn't "correctly" balanced, then it isn't balanced! If you say "a balanced diet", readers will assume there is a correct way to balance a diet, and also that not all vegetarian diets **are** balanced.What does "has long been considered [to be] of high nutritional value" mean? It means "is known to be nutritious". Doesn't "for both children and adults" mean "for children and adults"?You have a lot of words that are adding no meaning. Presumably you are doing this for emphasis, but it does the opposite of what you want it to do; it draws out the sentence so it reduces the impact. Get rid of them, rephrase if necessary, and you can probably cut this down to 50 or 60 words, leaving you more room to make another point in your argument. Or to then add adjectives or emphasis where you most want it.
- Eliminate superfluous words; you are saying things with too many words. To demonstrate such a transformation, I will take your first line through stages:
- > I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe diets like vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody,
- >
- > I strongly believe everybody should pursue diets like vegetarianism,
- What is pursuing a diet like vegetarianism? It is just being a vegetarian!
- > I strongly believe everybody should be a vegetarian,
- Eight words versus fifteen words, and it conveys the same sentiment. Take one more out with a minor reprhasing and a better word (embrace, or adopt).
- > I strongly believe everybody should embrace vegetarianism,
- And there you go. less than half your original words.
- Identify what is important: "I strongly believe", "everybody", "should become (or something indicating a transformation) "vegetarian(ism)".
- "That" is almost always cuttable.
- Simple phrases are better than verbose: "such type of dieting as vegetarianism" is just "diets like vegetarianism". The only diets _like_ vegetarianism are more strict than vegetarianism (like Veganism), so if you are trying to make a point, just say your least restrictive diet that accomplishes your goal: Instead of "diets like vegetarianism" say "vegetarian diets" or "Vegan diets".
- Later you say "Last but not least," you could say "Finally,".
- You say "a correctly balanced vegetarian diet", the word "correctly" adds nothing at all, if it isn't "correctly" balanced, then it isn't balanced! If you say "a balanced diet", readers will assume there is a correct way to balance a diet, and also that not all vegetarian diets **are** balanced.
- What does "has long been considered [to be] of high nutritional value" mean? It means "is known to be nutritious". Doesn't "for both children and adults" mean "for children and adults"?
- You have a lot of words that are adding no meaning. Presumably you are doing this for emphasis, but it does the opposite of what you want it to do; it draws out the sentence so it reduces the impact. Get rid of them, rephrase if necessary, and you can probably cut this down to 50 or 60 words, leaving you more room to make another point in your argument. Or to then add adjectives or emphasis where you most want it.
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-19T22:13:56Z (about 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/48619 License name: CC BY-SA 4.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T13:09:46Z (about 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/48619 License name: CC BY-SA 4.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/
#2: Initial revision
Eliminate superfluous words; you are saying things with too many words. To demonstrate such a transformation, I will take your first line through stages: > I strongly believe that such type of dieting as vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody, > > I strongly believe diets like vegetarianism should be pursued by everybody, > > I strongly believe everybody should pursue diets like vegetarianism, What is pursuing a diet like vegetarianism? It is just being a vegetarian! > I strongly believe everybody should be a vegetarian, Eight words versus fifteen words, and it conveys the same sentiment. Take one more out with a minor reprhasing and a better word (embrace, or adopt). > I strongly believe everybody should embrace vegetarianism, And there you go. less than half your original words. Identify what is important: "I strongly believe", "everybody", "should become (or something indicating a transformation) "vegetarian(ism)". "That" is almost always cuttable. Simple phrases are better than verbose: "such type of dieting as vegetarianism" is just "diets like vegetarianism". The only diets _like_ vegetarianism are more strict than vegetarianism (like Veganism), so if you are trying to make a point, just say your least restrictive diet that accomplishes your goal: Instead of "diets like vegetarianism" say "vegetarian diets" or "Vegan diets". Later you say "Last but not least," you could say "Finally,". You say "a correctly balanced vegetarian diet", the word "correctly" adds nothing at all, if it isn't "correctly" balanced, then it isn't balanced! If you say "a balanced diet", readers will assume there is a correct way to balance a diet, and also that not all vegetarian diets **are** balanced. What does "has long been considered [to be] of high nutritional value" mean? It means "is known to be nutritious". Doesn't "for both children and adults" mean "for children and adults"? You have a lot of words that are adding no meaning. Presumably you are doing this for emphasis, but it does the opposite of what you want it to do; it draws out the sentence so it reduces the impact. Get rid of them, rephrase if necessary, and you can probably cut this down to 50 or 60 words, leaving you more room to make another point in your argument. Or to then add adjectives or emphasis where you most want it.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-10-19T15:59:03Z (about 5 years ago)
Original score: 5