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You're using too many beats, especially in your second example. You don't need to describe every minute change of tone while a character is speaking. It breaks up the flow too much. There's absolut...
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#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-12T21:42:33Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/48836 License name: CC BY-SA 4.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T13:12:43Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/48836 License name: CC BY-SA 4.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0/
#2: Initial revision
You're using too many beats, especially in your second example. You don't need to describe every minute change of tone while a character is speaking. It breaks up the flow too much. There's absolutely nothing wrong with: > "Listen to me!", said John. "We can sell all these coins now and get rich today. Let me take care of it for you, okay? I can make you rich, Sarah, just trust me! I have made many people rich in the past. I know how this is done." Once you remove the beats, the short, rapid-fire sentences do a good enough job of conveying his excitement that you don't need to tell the reader he's excited. Generally, you only want to use a beat if there is an _actual pause_ in what the character's saying. That's what "beat" means, at least in scriptwriting terms: a pause. If the character is just speaking continuously, don't have them adjusting their glasses or shuffling in their chair or anything else that's not actually plot-relevant; it just interrupts the flow.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2019-11-04T21:15:38Z (over 4 years ago)
Original score: 2