Post History

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/17300
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The great thing about 'suddenly' is that it appears at the start of the sentence, so itself appears suddenly to the reader, but you can replace it easily with something stronger...

Start a sentence with a jarring word or image instead of a 'suddenly'. Like one, or even all of the below examples:

> Blood splattered his hands.
> 
> Glass shattered around him.
> 
> Screams pierced the air.
> 
> Gunfire...
> 
> Flames...
> 
> Foul language...

Interrupt predictable dialogue:

> He lay back on the grass, gazing at the open, blue sky. 'Such a beautiful da—'
> 
> The crack of alien thunder silenced him and terrified us all.

Thwart an expectation:

> She took a deep, deep breath. Twelve candles seemed like so many. She pursed her lips, steadied her aim, but the blow never came. The dog had the cake in one wild-eyed attack and Cassie's lungs let loose with a startled and indignant raspberry.

Interrupt a description: (very naughty unless your narrator has a strong voice).

> The city had open spaces, but nothing like this. Delightful, warm sunshine bathed an idyllic landscape of lush greens and dapples of floral colour. Birds danced and sang in the clear air, and nearby the soothing, liquid sound of a babbling broo—
> 
> 'Is there a pub?' said Eddie. 'We're not staying here if there's no pub.'

Demonstrate the reaction:

> 'Wonderful soup, Vicar,' croaked Gladys Pryce, to a murmur of agreement from the length of the table.
> 
> 'It's just a simple broth,' said the vicar, waving it away.
> 
> 'You must share the recipe,' said Mrs Doorbell.
> 
> 'I'll add it to the parish newsletter,' he said, eliciting smiles, and gasps of excitement. 'But I may have to exclude mention of my secret ingredient.' He made a broad performance of tapping the side of his nose, and winking at his most eager guests.
> 
> 'Oh, you tease us,' giggled Gladys.
> 
> 'Womens' knickers!' said old Tom Belch in an outburst so overwhelming and disturbing that nobody spoke another word or took another sip for ten whole minutes.

Make the characters jump, not the reader. Withhold the sudden event:

> Amy could no more tear her eyes from the Ouija board, than she could pull her fingers from the glass. The A and the M could have been coincidence, but a Y would scare her to death. Her name. How could it know her name? The glass seemed to tremble. She hoped for some random nonsense choice of letter, but it began to move, wavering at first but then with purpose.
> 
> The unnatural sliding of the glass ended short when Lucy screamed with such genuine terror that Amy leapt from her seat, upending the table and scattering the the board and candles. Her heart beat hard and fast in her ears as he looked to her friend for explanation and saw the frozen wide eyes.
> 
> 'The door,' squealed Lucy. 'Look at the door!'

Bullet Time:

> 'Don't get me wrong he said, she's a great girl, but would you marry her, with all that _business_?'
> 
> The next thing out of his mouth was a small spray of spittle, followed by a web of blood, and a left lower incisor. The fist following through was attached to the angriest bridegroom I ever saw. And as a travelling DJ with own equipment, I can tell you I'd seen quite a few.

One final thought: you cannot make the reader jump. Forget all those moments in movies, you cannot emulate that no matter how hard you try. Work around the problem, play to the strengths of the medium.

Original score: 9