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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/q/4616
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

I am writing an essay in which I used a simple chronological flow. Setting first the background, then the circumstances I was involved in and the decision I took, and finally my conclusion after the experience.

I reviewed it several times, but since the story is in my mind. I might be skipping details or interesting information. Plus there might be a way to express it in a more succinct manner.

I would greatly appreciate if you could critique the flow -- if there are parts that are missing which would help to a smoother progress of the story -- and pointing out better ways to express any phrase or idea -- maybe by erasing unneeded words, sentences or paragraphs, or well, expressing it in a better form.

Your observations are greatly appreciated.

Thanks

\ ***NOTE: For comparison purposes, I have included the modified paragraphs below its respective paragraph. \***

> Reflect on a time when you turned down an opportunity. What was the thought process behind your decision? Would you make the same decision today? (600 words)
> 
> A few months before finishing graduate school, I was starting to visualize my graduate life when suddenly a friend told me the latest news: Lehman Brothers had collapsed underscoring the real concern that the economy in the US was in a precarious state. I had a limited perspective on the situation, but I knew that my student visa was close to expiring and my student loans were running out. I needed to find a job quickly.
> 
> _A few months before finishing graduate school, **I was starting to visualize my graduate life when a friend told me that Lehman Brothers had collapsed. This was terrible news, since it underscored the real concern that the economy was in a precarious state, and increased my fear that my student visa would expire or student loans run out before I could get a formal job.** I needed to find one quickly._
> 
> After a couple of months, I found an interesting job opportunity. It was a due diligence job for high-tech patents. It sounded like a good opportunity that was going to extend my visa as well as pay for my living expenses and student loans. For these years of economic instability, it was going to provide me with a stable job.
> 
> Nevertheless, once the initial excitement faded away, I got my main priority back in place. My priority was to pursue a career in the robotics industry. Thus, the logical initial step was to get a hands on robotics job which would help me understand the technicalities behind building and delivering a robot. **This step, in my eyes, was highly important, since it would lay down a path to grow in the field.**
> 
> _Nevertheless, once the initial excitement faded away, **it was time to refocus on my main priority: to pursue a career in the robotics industry.** Thus, the logical initial step was to get a hands on robotics job which would help me understand the technicalities behind building and delivering a robot. **This step, in my eyes, was highly important, since it would lay down a path to grow in the field**._
> 
> Somehow working in High-Tech patents did not seem so appealing anymore. It would completely deviate me from the robotics industry and the experience I needed to start off. In short, I was sacrificing my long term priorities for short term comfort; so, I decided to pass up the opportunity.
> 
> _Somehow working in high-tech patents did not seem so appealing anymore. It would completely derail me from the robotics industry and the experience I needed to gain in that field. In short, **I was sacrificing my long term priorities for short term comfort, so I decided to forgo the opportunity.** _
> 
> My decision did not come free of consequences. I had to cut expenses by moving out of my place and staying with friends; I had to work as a volunteer in order to maintain my visa status, and I had to learn how to manage the uncertainty that comes without a formal job. But, after a few months, I was rewarded with a job in the automation industry. A job in which I was going to develop software for CNC machines. It was an exciting role in the right industry.
> 
> _My decision did not come free of consequences. I had to cut expenses by moving out of my place and staying with **friends, I** had to work as a volunteer in order to maintain my visa status, and I had to learn how to manage the uncertainty that comes without a formal job. But, after a few months, I was rewarded with a job in the automation **industry, in which** I was going to develop software for CNC machines. It was an exciting role in the right industry._
> 
> From this experience, I realized that when one’s priorities are clear, the right decisions are easy to figure out. The difficult part is convincing oneself to take the risks and sacrifices that a decision will entail. Turning down the job opportunity was the right decision in my mind and heart, but somehow convincing myself to pursue an uncertain and risky path instead of a stable and comfortable one was incredibly challenging.
> 
> I am happy that I pursued the right decision and everything worked out; yet, I am conscious that decisions based on one’s passion and values need not always turn out so well. That sometimes, circumstances and timing can undermine one’s personal goals in life. Despite this, I still believe that in the long run, staying true to one’s priorities will lead to a more fulfilling life and if I were in a similar situation today, I would still do the same.
> 
> _I am happy that I pursued the right decision and everything worked out, **but I am conscious that decisions based on one’s passion and values do not always turn out so well.** That sometimes, circumstances and timing can undermine one’s personal goals in life. Despite this, I still believe that in the long run, staying true to one’s priorities will lead to a more fulfilling life and if I were in a similar situation today, I would still do the same._

Original score: 1