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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/4620
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/4620
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The flow isn't bad. You have some wording issues and one large clarity problem.

> A few months before finishing graduate school, I was starting to visualize my graduate life when suddenly a friend told me the latest news: **that** Lehman Brothers had collapsed **. This was terrible, but it only underscored** the real concern that the economy in the US was in a precarious state. I had a limited perspective on the situation, but I knew that my **My** student visa was close to expiring and my student loans were running out. I needed to find a job quickly.

Use "suddenly" very sparingly, and try to keep it attached to physical actions, like a car crash or a gasp. You could talk about how the door to your room suddenly slammed open and your friend burst in with news, but not "she suddenly told me something."

Similarly, you are describing an ongoing process ("I was starting to visualize") which is interrupted by a concrete event (Lehman's collapse). Either you are in the present moment or you are generalizing, but you can't do both in the same sentence.

> Nevertheless, once the initial excitement faded away, I got my main priority back in place. **it was time to refocus on my main priority:** My priority was to pursue a career in the robotics industry. Thus, the logical initial step was to get a hands on robotics job which would help me understand the technicalities behind building and delivering a robot. This step, in my eyes, was a highly important **,** step since it would lay down a path to grow in the field.

> Somehow working in High-Tech patents did not seem so appealing anymore. It would completely deviate **derail** me from the robotics industry and the experience I needed to start off **gain in that field**. In short, I was sacrificing my long term priorities for short term comfort; so, I decided to pass up the opportunity. **, so I chose to leave the job.**

You can't pass up an opportunity after you've accepted it. If you didn't take the job, then you need to reword as something like **"While the job had a lot to offer, after I thought about it, I realized I had to focus on my main priority."**

> My decision did not come free of consequences. I had to cut expenses by moving out of my place and staying with friends; **,** I had to work as a volunteer in order to maintain my visa status, and I had to learn how to manage the uncertainty that comes without a formal job. But, after a few months, I was rewarded with a job in the automation industry. A job **,** in which I was going to develop software for CNC machines. It was an exciting role in the right industry.

> I am happy that I pursued the right decision and everything worked out; yet, **but** I am conscious that decisions based on one’s passion and values need not **don't** always turn out so well. That sometimes, circumstances and timing can undermine one’s personal goals in life. Despite this, I still believe that in the long run, staying true to one’s priorities will lead to a more fulfilling life and if I were in a similar situation today, I would still do the same.

"need not" means more like "isn't obligated to" (You need not return this), not "expected to" (things don't always work out).

Original score: 1