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It's not particularly dark. There's so much unknown that we don't even know if we're supposed to worry. A strip club which is so old it feels like it's populated with antiques isn't particularly ...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:09Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5749 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T02:23:38Z (over 4 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5749 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
It's not particularly dark. There's so much unknown that we don't even know if we're supposed to worry. A strip club which is so old it feels like it's populated with antiques isn't particularly dark or scary; it means nobody's there, so there are no threats. It also doesn't imply that everyone disappeared or dropped dead abruptly (which would at least be a mystery). If you want it to be smoother and more interesting, "slow down" is definitely good advice. You're hurrying us along to the club. "After walking for a while:" well, what does he see? Where is he? Big city, small city, state, country, continent? Are there other people? Other sounds? Cars? Age, make, model, condition? What are the buildings like? What kind (houses, apartments, stores, warehouses, crack dens, empty lots, gardens, museums)? What does the air smell like? Is he near the ocean, a lake, the mountains, an industrial park? Is it summer or winter? If you want to intrigue the reader, give us something to be intrigued about. (And, as always, I must compliment you on working so damn hard in what is not your native language.)
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2012-05-24T13:13:14Z (almost 12 years ago)
Original score: 4