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This is really amazing and eerie start for a story!! I was very intrigued throughout. I like the dialogue for the most part, but to make the woman appear even more mysterious, I would recommend s...
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#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T02:24:02Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/6641 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
by
Sophie K
·
2019-12-08T02:24:02Z (almost 5 years ago)
This is really amazing and eerie start for a story!! I was very intrigued throughout. I like the dialogue for the most part, but to make the woman appear even more mysterious, I would recommend she not seem so eager to share these thoughts with Julian, and make him inquire a bit more. One other thing which tripped me up was when you said that she was wearing a black bikini with a jacket covering her top half, because if the jacket was covering her the man would not be able to see her bikini. Perhaps it would be best to say something like, "Her legs were bare and she was wearing what looked like black bikini bottoms. Her top half was covered by a dark jacket." Anyways once again, I personally love the mystery at the start of the story, and that is what gets readers hooked. I was curious to find out why she was lying there and I never doubted that this would be answered later into the story!
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2012-11-10T20:49:49Z (about 12 years ago)
Original score: 0