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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5807
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/5807
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

The initial "feel" I get from this piece works very well with the first-person narration you've chosen. Your suspense and action revolve around _immediate_ danger; first-person contributes wonderfully to that immediacy- you're writing "Whoa, I'm in trouble," not "So there was this guy who was in trouble."

You're also doing a really nice job of weaving your POV character's voice in - even though he _does_ nothing in the first section, we already get a lot of feel for him, which you've conveyed very naturally through his narrative voice. He's a "Merc"; he's only joined up with his two companions; he's constantly judging others from a viewpoint of apparant experience; he's got ten years of battlefield experience; and lots more.

This would be significantly more difficult to do in third-person. Even if you used tight third-person narration, the kind that's practically identical to first-person except for changing the pronouns, it would be disconcerting to the reader - since he wouldn't _know_ yet what degree of seperation there is between narrator and character. For example, if I modify your second paragraph to third-person:

> Logan was in his early twenties, handsome, with long black hair and a slender body that could have belonged to a girl. Crank was nearly the exact opposite; he was approaching thirty, with a scarred face and a stout, if short, build. Lead had only known them for about eight hours, but he could tell that Crank was the leader of the two; he was not as smart as Logan, but his cruelty and Logan’s inferiority complex, made him dominant.

Since "Lead" is no longer the clear narrator, no longer the storytelling "I," he no longer stands out. It's not clear if these appraisals of Logan and Crank are Lead's own view of things, or an objective, disassociated judgement. Also, Lead becomes much less distinct - we've got a group of three here; as long as all three are active, it'll take some work to distinguish Lead as being the main character we should actually be caring most about.

Now, you've got larger concerns than just the initial scene, so you might have other factors in your story which would weigh in favor of a different narration POV. However, you've clearly set Lead up as a relatively competent and experienced character, with a clear, distinct voice, who is in immediate danger - and who's able to take action in response. Lead seems like a fine POV character, and first-person seems extremely natural and appropriate for him.

You do have one major POV issue here, though, and that's Lead coming up with a plan - and hiding it from the reader. The moment a POV character - particularly a first-person POV - hides information her knows from the reader, the reader feels the point-of-view is not actually providing his point-of-view. We're not seeing it through his eyes; he's manipulating narration, telling us some things but not others. Now, cutting off a scene with "I have a plan" is common and you can usually get away with bending POV in this way, simply because the reader is willing to wait to see the plan in action (rather than merely discussed), as long as this action comes right away (in your example, it clearly does). However, as this is your introduction, this is _extremely_ early in your story to be attempting a maneuver like this. The maneuver relies on trust, and familiarity with the character; you've hardly built anything up and already you're putting the weight of a POV break on your narration.

Consider: Why not just start during the first steps in the plan? Then you don't have to skip over the bit where he tells them what the plan is. You'll be imparting precisely the same information you are now, but you'll be beginning _after_ the part which (in this version) needs to be hidden from view.

## Other Options

Tight third person - the kind that's intimately aware of the character's thoughts and motivations - is in many ways very similar to first person. You could pull that off here if you just spend a couple paragraphs establishing the character in his own right, before mixing in other characters too deeply. On the other hand, there's no compelling reason to do so.

Alternatively, depending on your story, you might want to switch to an omniscient narrator - one who can follow any or all of the characters. Basically, if you're going to want to follow all three characters roughly equally, then you don't necessarily need Lead as a unique POV - you can dip into each character as needed. But that would definitely lose the voice and characterization you've got here, and the impression I've got is that Lead _is_ the important, active character. So unless I'm mistaken on that point, I wouldn't advise this option.

Original score: 1