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Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8174
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

It is not ungrammatical to use two [absolute phrases](http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/phrases.htm#absolute) connected by a conjunction (like "and"). Long sentences _can_ be more difficult to read and tend to slow the pace of the narrative, but in this case a slower pace is appropriate, like a warm, lazy evening.

Taking [jwpat7's suggestion](https://writers.stackexchange.com/questions/8170/is-the-following-allowed-under-the-ungrammatical-exceptions-in-fiction#8173) about the tense of the main verb and the use of the plural "coals", I offer the following alternative:

> Under the shelter of the inn, a barbecue welcomed the warm evening, red coals glowing in the dark and occasional tiny sparks fluttering into the air.

(Although this alternative is unlikely to fit the particular context of your writing, you are free to use any part of it without attribution.)

"welcomed the warm evening" might be too flowery (and "warm evening" might be redundant with previous or later text), but "welcomed" enhances the feel of safety brought by "shelter of the inn" and adds a small (likely appropriate) feel of community and "warm evening" seems to increase the relaxed feeling. Moving "from time to time" from the end of the sentence (and changing it to "occasional") allows "fluttering into the air" to be at the end; having the somewhat whimsical "fluttering" and breath sound of "air" at the end of the sentence (with its pause) seems to add a calm, relaxed feeling ("ah"), which also seems to fit the setting of a safe, relaxed environment. "into the air" is a relatively small change in meaning/tone from "around"; "around" emphasizes some degree of persistence while "into the air" seems to express more of a temporary rising.

Original score: 5