Post History

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8208
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8208
License name: CC BY-SA 3.0
License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/

It's dry because there's not much emotion there. You're telling us a lot, but you're not showing us much. You have two instances of her being "puzzled," but the rest is just a description of her movements. What is she _thinking_? What is she _feeling_?

Here's an example. You start with this great sensory image:

> She made her way through the sand barefoot, feeling the cold water and foam run between her toes. This was one of her favorite sensations in the world. It reminded her of her distant childhood.

...And then you immediately drop it. _Why_ does it remind her of her childhood? Where did she live? Did she spend all day at the beach? Was it her home or a rare treat? Why is her childhood "distant"? Is she old? Was she traumatized? Did she live in another country?

Add some emotions. Add some memories, some thoughts, something to give us a taste of who she is and why we should care.

You can also use this as a way to introduce the character so we know, for example, why she would spend half a day _sitting at a table waiting for people to return,_ instead of making more phone calls or going back outside to knock on doors or turning on the damn TV to figure out what happened to everyone.

* * *

An aside, but I've seen this before in your work in the examples you've posted here: Your characters encounter a situation which should be disturbing or terrifying and accept it with a passivity which borders on pathological. It's like they're watching their own lives on television. If you can't see it in your own work, then please mention it to your beta readers to point out to you.

I realize that the remainder of the story has more action in it, and that it is a _short_ story, but that doesn't fix this excerpt, where she just sits there, patiently waiting to be acted upon, rather than acting herself. And it's noticeable to me primarily because I've seen and commented on the same thing in your other work/posts.

Original score: 5