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You're getting there. Push it farther. I think your first and last stanzas/poems have the right idea. Be rougher. Be angrier. Don't worry about grammar. Show more images, and have them more raw: fi...
Answer
#4: Attribution notice removed
by
System
·
2019-12-13T12:00:18Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8779 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#3: Attribution notice added
by
System
·
2019-12-08T03:03:33Z (almost 5 years ago)
Source: https://writers.stackexchange.com/a/8779 License name: CC BY-SA 3.0 License URL: https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/
#2: Initial revision
You're getting there. Push it farther. I think your first and last stanzas/poems have the right idea. Be rougher. Be angrier. Don't worry about grammar. Show more images, and have them more raw: fire consuming, water draining, a tornado blowing things away, an sinkhole devouring buildings, lava flowing over a city. These stanzas are a little too hand-holding, if anything. She's not desperate or frustrated _enough_. EDIT: Remove four, five, and six. Too mushy. The new ones are definite improvements.
#1: Imported from external source
by
System
·
2013-09-03T12:26:06Z (about 11 years ago)
Original score: 2